Lonely Waiting Room (in progress)

She gave in
Scratch scratch
But not enough
Scratch scratch
Frantic
Searching
Scratch scratch
Her skin is burning
Cut
Slit
Dripping
Dripping
Oh shit
Dripping
Dripping
The room spins
Drip drip
She caves again
Slit Slit Slit Slit. …. Oh shit
Drop the razor grab the gauze
the bloods too fast to let it clot
Keep your eyes open. Don’t move your hand.
Straight through the skin and into the fat—-yes that is yellow, you didn’t just imagine that

7 stitches
For 7 years
7 bruises on your fists 7 days of psych ward shit 7 cuts 7 fears
And 7 wads of blood soaked gauze coat the bathroom
…just in case you forgot.

Progress

Only punched one wall today
And it wasn’t even brick!

I did snap at a couple people…
But that’s to be expected
Because they were being dumb asses and it was only right for someone to let them know.

It’s also been almost 24 hours since my last cigarette because I’m broke til tomorrow and i seem to have lost the pack I just bought

Surprisingly the cravings aren’t too bad yet…. oh and the bud helps too..but still; PROGRESS, right?

aces.

Stream of conciousness

I hate the world more than I hate myself so everything’s fine.

Next person to ask me if I’m ok is getting decked

I really like the word decked

The blood on the bathroom floor looks too pretty to clean up…but i should probably do that sooner rather than later.

The only reason I havent relapsed in the past few years is its harder to tattoo scarred skin.

High workouts are really fun, but I almost cracked my head open this morning…so maybe I should stop….and maybe I have a concussion…but i dont taste metal so I think I’m ok

I feel weird wearing my tardis dress with my Yoda tattoo..is that weird?

I don’t like being sober anymore.

i know i shouldn’t… but i felt a strange sense of pride and satisfaction when my friend came to me concerned that i may have relapsed back into my eating disorder.

then again, i don’t even know what a “normal” person’s response to the words, “your clothes are practically falling off your body;” would be…

“did you even eat today?”

blackout

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all i can think about right now.
im running away, trying to escape,
holding onto what’s left of my will and strength..
but no matter how fast or far i run, i cant escape the fear.. knowing that eventually it will catch up to me.

i want to put the world on pause so i can sort out my thoughts, but i can never seem to find that peace of mind. i can never seem to find the time.

chaos.
everywhere.
even when its not there.

im suffocating.
barely breathing..
why is everything so loud?
you hear whispers, yet i hear shouts.

i hear my heart pounding
my blood pulsing throughout
here it comes
another one

panic
panic
panic

blackout.

you make the sound of laughter….

and sharpened nails seem softer….
and i need you now, somehow…
and i need you now, somehow…

sandpaper tears corrode the film…and i need you now, somehow….and i need you now, somehow

[[ana’s song by Silverchair]]

sometimes i feel like the work i’ve put in over the past 8 years has been for nothing..and i’m right back where i began.