Tag Archives: love

lying to yourself [work in progress]


DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS. I STARTED IT 2 YEARS AGO AND FINALLY PICKED IT UP AGAIN THIS WEEK. i still haven’t gotten it to accurately reflect the situation I’m trying to describe…which is frustrating as hell because I’ve rewritten it dozens of times. i guess i just can’t find the right words. since it doesn’t say what i want it to say, i decided to focus on the actual writing, describing circumstances similar to what i was originally aiming for.

 

lying to yourself (not just you two)

 

“even the best fall down sometimes”

but how do you get yourself back up

when it seems as though all odds are against you?

you’re smart pretty funny and sweet but you push away any good guy that you meet

its so hard to let people in because your past became a wall

a wall around your heart made up of scars ten feet tall

you fight and you fight trying to figure it out

trying to avoid getting hurt only made the pain linger around

but you fight and you fight and then you let someone in

only to watch him fly away across the fucking world again

 

so you hide and you cry and you swear “never again”

then he comes back and you’re finally reunited

only thing is, things aren’t that simple between you two

and now you’ve gotta face it…he’s not involved with just you.

 

you cant lie

cant say that seeing him doesnt make you smile

cant try and say that he cant brighten up your day

cant lie and tell youself that when your in his arms you dont feel safe

the lies wont protect you from getting hurt again

you already love him you can’t just pretend

so how do you deal with it…

he doesn’t do relationships

give up?

give in?

just accept it?

 

you tried to fight the feelings

tell yourself its a crush, nothing else

knowing all along you want more

you cant keep lying to yourself

you know that you love him and you know he loves you

so how do you deal when its not just you two?

 

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impossible choices or impossible dreams


imagesive known what i want to do with my life for a while, but the more i think about it, the more i feel like i have to choose between my own sanity and continuing to pursue something that always seems out of reach. dance makes me happy. maybe its time to do what i NEED instead of what i WANT to be able to do. i can barely maintain my own sanity, how can i help anyone through ptsd if i cant save myself first?

“every opportunity has a shelf life”

if you only knew how much that applies to more than just the subject matter of this post.

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facing my fears


what are the 3 scariest things in the entire world?

 

SPIDERS.

VULNERABILITY.

LOVE.

 

 

the crazy part is, i kinda knew he knew i love him. or at least had some idea. its pretty obvious. a friend of ours makes a point to call me out on it almost every time i see him. my girls make fun of me for trying to deny it after talking about him for hours with a giant smile on my face.

yet saying it outloud to him was TERRIFYING

i was literally shaking.

my heart was beating so hard i thought it was going to break through my ribs and out of my chest.

 

vulnerability is not something i handle well.

 

but sometimes, you just have to face your fears. and for once in my life i know it was worth it. and i know im worth it.

no one else in the world makes me feel this way. no one ever has.

im laughing at myself for being this cheezy or whatever, but when i FINALLY told him, i felt like a giant boulder was lifted off of my shoulders.

no more hiding from my feelings.

im learning now that i don’t need to be numb.

no one else makes me this happy. and even though i havent always been the greatest person in the world and i do stupid shit and make mistakes and fuck up every now and again….i deserve this happiness. and i hope that i can make him as happy as he makes me.

 

those three words were so terrifying to me a few days ago

but regardless of my fears, the words are true. and have been for quite some time now.

i couldnt continue to hold in how i felt. and with him, i can be vulnerable, because the one place that i truly feel completely safe is in his arms. so he held me and i somehow mustered up the courage to say what i have been feeling for so long.

i love you.

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the way you used to


everything that makes him attractive to me

is everything that reminds me of you

i try to ignore him, but its hard to deny

…he looks at me the way you used to

 

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i care so much it hurts


im not the jealous type
but all of a sudden i feel envy creeping into my mind
im terrified of falling
of all that lovey-dovey bullshit

the more i fight it, the more you stay on my mind
why cant i just turn it off
make myself numb
stop caring
or at least stop these feelings
fuck these feelings
i hate these feelings
cuz i cant shake these feelings
im used to being numb
numb was the safest thing
who cares if i wasn’t happy? at least i wasn’t sad. at least my heart wasn’t torn to shreds…cuz honestly i’ve had quuuuiiiiiittttteeee enough of that.
numbness was my protection
so how the fuck did i let this happen
how could i let you in, past all my defenses, past all my walls
how could i let you close enough to steal my heart
and fly away with it
leaving me here.
on my own again…
alone again…
as i continued to fall
and fall and
F
A
L
L

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one way street [[work in progress]]


maybe im pulling back,
maybe ur pushing me away..
i dont know if its me or u or us but im wearing myself down
im gettin tired of trying to read ur mind
trying to figure out how you feel
about me
about us
about life
its hard not knowing if you want me
or if you just wanna be friends
if friends is what you want thats fine
i’d just like to know now, rather than keep holding on til the end
if relationships aren’t youre thing
and you dont wanna be with me
or if youre not feelin the idea of being with one person “exclusively”
i’d just like to know
before i break my own heart
i’d rather you just say it
say it right from the start
cuz im falling for you
and we both know, when i fall, i fall hard
but i dont think you feel the same
and everyday i feel farther and farther away
as if something happened between us
as if something changed
i know that youre busy
youve got a lot on your plate
its more the vibe that im getting
than anything you or i said or did that might make us go astray

i just feel like somethings changed
or maybe someone else just came along

you asked me all those questions
what “together” means to me
what a relationship consists of
how i define exclusivity
and after a little resistance
i completely gave in
telling you how i want to be yours
i quit hiding behind all my bullshit

see, you always call me out for that
whenever im resorting back to that
changing the subject
pretending i dont care
all the bullshit and the games that scurry along with that
so i let down my defenses
i spoke from my heart
i dropped all the bullshit,
wandered into the dark

but the thing that gets me
is how after all the cherades
all the effort to hear me say what you already know,
yet you still think im a mindreader
you wont tell me a thing
but this bullshit-detox
it cant just be from me
because even a casual friendship,
aint a one-way street.

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ive got a secret


i’ve got a secret.
i’ve tried to hide it oh so well.

i think i might love you babe.
but ill never ever tell.

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piece by piece


the thing about loving someone
and admitting it
out-loud
or even admitting it to yourself
is in doing so you are taking the risk
that it is not a mutual feeling
in the past this scared the hell out of me
and ill admit is still scares me quite a bit
but the thing that makes me so much stronger now
is that i know i can handle it
whichever way the wind blows me
whatever path im meant to take
i know what im feeling
and im not going to ignore that
to make excuses or run away

whatever happens happens
whatever’s meant to be will be
and even if my heart gets broken
ill find away to mend it
piece by piece

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four letter word


there’s a four letter word that i’ve avoided
and have ran from for many years
that four letter word looks so innocent
but could bring so many tears
that four letter word keeps popping up in my head
when i think about how i feel for you
daisy petals falling as i fight my fears
love him? love him not?
love him? love him not?
love him?
yeah. i do.

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This Guy [[written 2006]]


he makes me smile, without saying a word
he makes me laugh, even when i am hurt
he makes me feel, like i can take flight
he makes me believe, that everything is right
he makes things seem , as perfect as can be
he makes me happy, even when he’s being mean
speaking softly, in his gentle brotherly voice,
he makes me want to scream
he makes me want to rejoice
something about him
is just driving me insane
no other person
has made me feel this way

helped me erase my sorrows
and shoot down my fears
made the pain go away, something i attempted for years.
brought something so strange,
something so new,
for once i was happy,
when he said, “i love you.”

just knowing someone cared,
brought a tear to my eye
just knowing he was there,
made my soul fly high.
through whatever,
he keeps my trust
my friend, my brother, my hero.
this guy.

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