Tag Archives: change

it’s time.

i graduated from la europa academy in 2008. completed the program in april(ish…..i think).

when i came home i had 2 options:

a. therapy 2x/week and a transition program with a mentor i met with at least once every week

b. get completely cut off from my parents and support myself. [at this point i had no job, no car, no license, no money…i had nothing to my name. so this really wasn’t an option]

i started therapy with jackie. she worked at the outpatient program i’d gone to many times at alexian brothers. she was the one person there i really trusted and the only person who didn’t fall for my shit and who called me out on it [even the drs and caseworkers in the inpatient program bought into my act. i knew what to say and how and when to say it, so most people didn’t think twice about it]

i had also done group therapy with jackie before i left for la europa. because i already trusted her, we thought individual therapy would be easier for me because i wouldn’t have to do the whole “getting to know you” building trust bullshit.

it went smoothly until i got a job and my schedule was always changing. somehow it got to the point where i just stopped going altogether.

i still had the transition program, but i didn’t really put much effort into utilizing it. it was a little easier with my second mentor who i had a more natural connection with, but eventually—again, due to scheduling problems and my hardheadedness—my sessions with her ended as well.

i don’t remember exactly when our sessions stopped, but unless my timeline is off, I’m pretty sure its been over 2 years since my last therapy session.

granted, i do see my psychiatrist once every 3 months or so. but the sessions are mostly focused on adjusting meds or phasing out meds. sidenote: i’m currently at the lowest number of scripts I’ve been on since i was like….15 or 16–YAY—and its pretty balanced (even though i hate having to take anything other than my adderall…but thats another story entirely)

my parents have been trying to get me back in therapy for a while, and have proposed a few different places, but none of them seemed like a good fit for me, and i didnt want to waste the time and money trying to find one that worked out.

recently though, I’ve been thinking about this stuff A LOT.

and as much as i hate to admit it, i think i really do need to get back into some kind of structured therapy-esque thing.

its time.

now i just have to suffer through the whole therapist-search/trial and error shit that i hate so much…..and hopefully it will help me get my temper, my mood, and my life back on track.


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as the waves were high…

all that you love
will be carried away

i jinxed myself by thinking i had my bipolar under control
and by saying i had my mania under control

i should’ve known better than that

i’m stuck in this rut
so I’m self-medicating to ease the pain
every second
of everyday

but theres more to the picture than meets the eye

i slept most of the day yesterday
in doing so, i had a series of elaborate dreams

woke up thinking they were real
picked up my phone to make a call and remembered they weren’t real
remembered I’m not happy
remembered i’m losing my fucking mind
remembered I’m barely managing to get through the day

remembered that just a week ago i was fine
remembered that everything just fell apart

what am i doing?
why can’t i just be ok?

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the scars remind us…the past is real.

5 years, 1 month, 2 days.

never thought i’d get this far.

i’m a completely different person that i was back then. not just because i’ve grown up, but because i knew i had to commit to change.

i’m stronger than i ever thought i would be.

even when i don’t FEEL strong, i know i wouldn’t be here right now if i wasn’t.

i fought like hell to get my life back from my past. and i won.

it may never be easy, but i refuse to ever give up.

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i never really appreciate my health until i get so sick that i can barely get out of bed.

feeling almost completely better now.

i’m incredibly thankful that i’m as healthy as i am today, despite the stress i’ve put my body through over the last 21 years. with all my impulsive (usually bad) decisions, addictions, and my tendency to take unnecessary risks in almost any situation, i’m a little surprised my body hasn’t turned on me by now. a few months ago i would’ve dwelled on all the “what ifs” and beat myself up about how i’ve never really put much effort into taking care of myself (even when i was making “healthy” decisions, everything was an extreme, and i seemed to lack the ability to do anything in moderation). but now i just look back at all my stupidity and realize that i survived my own insanity. im still young and i still have a life to live. i have hopes and dreams and a way to accomplish them. i have a home, a job, a car, food to eat, clothes to keep me warm, etc. etc…

but most importantly, i have people i love who have put up with my bullshit for years and who still love me and care about me despite my flaws.

its times like this that i actually see how different of a person i am. my past is what it is, and theres nothing i can do to change it. now i use it as motivation to make something of my life, take care of myself, be thankful for everything i’m lucky enough to have, and most importantly: cherish the people i love.

that is all for now i suppose. time to finish my sociology paper.


i never really …

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i am an addict

and there was a time in my life, where abuse was my drug

the thing with abusive relationships is that even when you’re “done” there are still moments where the good feels like its worth the bad

its like being MANIC.


you live in extremes so the “good times” feel like youre on top of the world.

even the smallest gesture, becomes a HUGE DEAL.

its really hard to think about…i feel like an idiot.

how many times did i run back to his games, the fighting, the manipulation, all the drama.

it takes a lot to get past that kind of relationship. in part because you feel like you don’t deserve any better. youre the dumbass who got her ass beat and treated like shit for years, yet never left. i was disgusted with myself.

did i really deserve a man who treated me like a person instead of a punching bag or an ATM?

it was hard to accept that i did. but in life you meet people who give you a whole new perspective, sometimes without even trying.

and in time you learn that you can have the good times, without being treated like shit and getting the life beaten out of you.

its crazy cuz im laughing and crying as im typing this. i wish i knew how to thank that person for helping me become who i am today. but there are really no words to express how truly grateful i am to him.


so if you read this,

thank you for putting up with my bullshit and for being you.

i honestly believe that you’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

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Not Me

I’m sick of being this







fucked up



insomniac BITCH

People just can’t seem to understand me

They never really will

Because i’m just that sick and


Who could forget it?

Or better yet,

Prevent it?

Fix me

Break me and put me back together

Cut me open and rearrange me

Make me.



Not me.

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i fall

for your shit





i hate you

i cant believe i let myself believe we were actually cool

i was surprised that we went that long without a huge fight

it was nice

i thought, “hey, maybe things really have started to change”


see thats where i fucked up

when it comes to you and me,

there is no such thing as change

at least no change that sticks

you can change for a few days..but its all just part of your game


the second i do something on my own and you dont have all of my time to control at your convenience,

you flip

completely fucking different person


so explain something to me

how does having my own life make me guilty of doing something wrong

how does having my own life give you reason or right to scream insults at me as though i am less than human

how does having my own life permit you to project all of your compounding anger onto me for absolutely no reason


ive made too many excuses for you

told too many lies for you

wasted too much of my life waiting for something to change

waiting for a miracle that i know will never come


im done waiting.

insanity is making the same decisions over and over and expecting a different outcome.

well im done being insane.

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tired of being tired

wayne said it best..

“im sick of bein sick

and tired of bein tired”

one thing ive learned in my 2 decades of life is

to do something yourself is the only way

to know that that something has been done right

for years i felt lost, ran from reality into my own little world

but i got sick of running

sick of being fed up

with where my life was heading

and tired of being tired of

the life that i was living

so i searched and i searched and i found myself again

its nice to know that

i know who i am

i know who i was

i know who im not

i know what i hope to become

i know what i hope to accomplish

i refuse to let anyone or anything control my life

i make my own decisions

i have my own mind

nothing is going to get in my way

i wont let anything hold me down again

its the little things that keep me from giving into the rage

i know im worth a lot more than anyone ever gave

so i do what i want

i do as i please

throwing regret out the window

see it fade through my rear view

driving away from the negativity that in the past i always ran to

i may always be an addict

but never again will i let my addictions dictate how i choose to live my life

no more running from hurt

no more masking the pain

im facing my fears head on

and nothing can stand in my way

the secret to my survival was realizing

that the only one

who can save me from me…

is me

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why hello rage, oh how i’ve missed you so…

i wrote this in may2009…. i had hit my rock-bottom and was beginning the process of getting back on my feet. i still had a lot of anger at that point (obviously), but at the same time i was working my ass off to find out what was really causing all of the insanity in my life and the extreme emotions that i was experiencing on a day to day basis.


this is my attempt to control my anger.
i can either get it all out or hold it in longer and then go psychobitch on someone.
cuz im so pissed right now that i can barely breathe. and my heart is beating harder and faster than i would have imagined possible. i want to say these things out loud, but i know that the person i need to say them to will not listen unless i stay “calm,” which isn’t possible when i have emotions this strong. thoughts and feelings that i have held back for years and years. scared that they didn’t make sense to anyone else. and scared that i would spend so much energy and time on putting words to something that would be shot down within 2 seconds, or that i just wouldn’t be heard. who knows, maybe you will stumble upon this one day. or maybe one day you will be open to hearing me actually say it. if i can even put it to words..

well..here goes i guess..its gonna be choppy, but keep in mind this is about 18 years worth of anger and pain and frustration that i’m trying to translate into words rather than just the jumble of thoughts and conclusions swirling around in my head..

i fucking HATE hypocrites. i hate when people deny things that they know are true. how am i supposed to trust you and believe that you care about me if you deny ever yelling at me or swearing at me? you want specific examples. um hmm lets see does THIS MORNING ring a bell?!
i hate when people jump to conclusions. i hate when people assume they know everything. here’s a wake up call. YOU DO NOT FUCKING KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME.

maybe if you actually listened for once you would know a little. yeah you know facts and things about my life but you do not know ME. who i am as a person. what makes me smile. because if you did and if you meant everything you say, then we would not be in the predicament would we? NEWS FLASH! i never STOPPED trying to find the right kind of support for my situation, even after being told that someone would find something that was a better fit for me and then call me and keep me updated, when in reality what happened was they called my mentor and told her that it just wasn’t a good fit. i haven’t heard from anyone about any of it [besides my mentor] since i went to that meeting. and its been what? a month and a half? almost two months now? so much for calling me in a couple of days. but i didn’t give up. i still haven’t stopped looking. so how dare u fucking say the shit you said to me today? talking to me as if i was just another stupid little girl who didn’t know anything and who was letting everyone control her. BITCH PLEASE IM STRONGER THAN IVE EVER BEEN IM DETERMINED TO MAKE MY LIFE BETTER IM DETERMINED TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE IM DETERMINED TO HELP PEOPLE WITH WHAT I HAVE LEARNED THROUGH MY OWN MISTAKES AND EXPERIENCES. SO DONT EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT SAYING SOME SHIT LIKE THAT TO ME.
you see me as weak for the mistakes i have made. but guess what? at least i can learn something from them. at least i’m trying to change and not just SAYING that i’m trying to change. for such a long time i have been working on controling my anger. im not going to lie and say that im great at it, because im still working on it. but at least i don’t blow it off and ignore how much it hurts people and then all of a sudden “try” to “change” when someone different is upset by it. i can’t even express to you how much it hurts that no matter what i did or how much it bothered me i could never get you to even consider changing.
just because our responses to your anger were different does not mean that i deserved it any more than any other person. my reaction after a while was in self-defense. i had to get angry too. i had to show you how shitty it felt to be sworn at every two seconds. i had to show you how shitty it felt to have someone screaming at you and giving you the impression that everything is your fault. i felt as though i had tried everything else and that this was my only other hope in showing you how much you were hurting me and how much of an affect these things had on me. unfortunately, it did not work out as i planned. you still didn’t understand. but i became so accustomed to anger and felt so much safer with anger as my “armor” from the world, that i carried it with me for years. if anything negative even came my way it was as if a switch were flipped in my head. *click* RAGE. part of me hated living like that, but i was so confused about what was “normal” or what was “right” and what wasn’t alright. all the lines of what is acceptable started to get fuzzy. my head was filled with conflicting, spinning, racing thoughts. i made myself dizzy and more confused every time i tried to figure it all out. so eventually i just gave in. this is normal. anger is normal. yelling is normal. this is what people do. even to those that they care about and love. [[can you even imagine how it felt to see that when someone else was bothered by your swearing and yelling, even though it wasn’t directed at her, you began to change for her. can you even fathom how much it hurt to see you make an effort to not even swear around her, but still yelling and swearing at me as if i wasn’t good enough for your new “changes.” and i know if you were to read this you would get angry right now. but stop and just listen to what im saying for once. I’M NOT DISCREDITING YOU FOR THE WORK YOU DID TO CHANGE, AND I AM ACKNOWLEDGING THAT YOU HAVE MADE A LOT OF PROGRESS WITH YOUR ANGER, EVEN TOWARDS ME, BUT THE POINT IM TRYING TO GET ACROSS IS THAT ITS NOT ALRIGHT FOR YOU TO YELL AND SWEAR AT ME WHENEVER YOU WANT BUT THEN GET MAD WHEN I ACCIDENTALLY SWEAR IN FRONT OF HER. AND THEN WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU YELL AT ME! CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT KIND OF SENSE THAT MAKES?! CUZ TO ME THAT JUST SEEMS HYPOCRITICAL. I APPRECIATE THE CHANGES THAT YOU HAVE MADE IT JUST FRUSTRATES AND HURTS ME THAT I TRIED FOR YEARS TO GET YOU TO CHANGE, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF. AND THEN I LEAVE FOR NINE AND A HALF MONTHS AND COME BACK AND U FINALLY DECIDED TO MAKE A CHANGE, BUT NOT BECAUSE YOU REALIZED THAT YOU WERE HURTING PEOPLE AROUND YOU AND THAT ITS NOT FAIR TO THOSE WHO YOU TAKE YOUR ANGER OUT ON, BUT BECAUSE HER ANXIETY MADE HER VERY SENSITIVE TO YELLING AND SWEARING.

but that’s not my main focus in what im trying to put to words here. i’ve talked to you about that before. many many times. but you never want to listen, because it is hard for me to talk to you about it after holding in that anger for so long…there is a lot that you have done or said to me that still hurts me to this day that i don’t bring up because i don’t feel that you would listen, let alone care about what i was saying.
[[but anyways, moving on]]
did it ever occur to you that maybe i was susceptible to certain things because of what i grew up around? yelling and swearing were just another part of my daily life. to me? that was normal. that was how people treated you when the “loved” and cared about you.
who knows, maybe you actually forgot all of the shit i went through because of you. maybe you just don’t want to accept that there is more than one person who hurt me [a lot] throughout my life. i don’t expect you to ever accept that you have had an effect on how i turned out. i turn to anger because i thought that was what i was supposed to do. not only was it “safer” but i figured it must be helpful in some way. i mean, you’re very successful, so if i conduct myself in the same way that you did around me all of my life, maybe i could be successful too?

now don’t get me wrong i am not BLAMING anyone. i am aware that i made my own choices and that no one is responsible for my actions and decisions but me. however what i am saying is that you DID have a big effect on the way i behave/behaved throughout my life. maybe effect isn’t the best word…i guess its more accurate to say that you have “significantly influenced” my behaviors and choices since i was a little girl. i just took things to a different level i guess. the traits i picked up from you presented themselves differently in me, but when i look back and think about how the hell i ended up here, i can see.. i learned at a very young age that anger was the answer. swearing makes you feel better. yelling helps you calm down. i’m sure you did not intend to teach me these things. i do not believe that you even were aware that this is what i was “learning” from so much of my childhood “environment.” i estimate that for about 97% of my life, my primary emotion was anger. can you imagine how surprised i was when in anger management i was told that it wasn’t even an emotion, that it was a secondary emotion? i did not want to believe that there was something behind my anger. “oh. no this can’t be me they’re talking about” i thought, “i’m just an angry person. that’s just how i was born.” throughout the nine and a half months that i spent in utah, focusing on my “issues” and what was behind them, i realized how much hurt i was holding in.
apparently young ally didn’t like being yelled at all the time. and the anger was an attempt to block out any hurt. i guess i had always known that, but i never realized how extreme it was in my case. i literally felt NOTHING but anger and rage and frustration. hell, i was even diagnosed as a rage-o-holic. though that “diagnosis” was not a technical or official one, it was the only way to even come close to describing the toxic levels of this secondary emotion. a poison that lingered in each and every cell in my body, contaminating my blood while forcing its way to my heart. pumped through each and every vein and vessel from head to toe, this parasite left my heart covered in countless scars.

soon those scars fuzed together, mutating my heart into one made of stone.

because that was the only way that i had known to protect myself.

protect myself from dangers unknown.

my perception on reality was skewed by my anger. once i realized that not everyone was angry all the time, the first thing i hoped for was that YOU would be able to overcome YOUR anger issues. it scared me to think that i might not have my anger to protect me anymore. i might actually have to FEEL the hurt that was caused by the constant yelling in my childhood and adolescence. and what if i changed but you never did? would you continue to take your anger out on me? would you continue to scream and swear at me as if i was nothing? because without my anger as a shield, that is what i felt. worthless. nothing. nada. a piece of shit. a mistake. the problem child. everything was MY fault. logically i knew that all of those things were not true, but emotionally and psychologically, they made sense. why else would someone be talking to me like this?

after digging deeper into the hurt and pain behind all of my anger, i realized that i was more comfortable around people who were as angry as me.. or actually… people who were as angry as you. i didn’t trust someone if they were able to control their anger. in my head, they were fake. so is it really that much of a surprise that i, with my own anger, hurt, and doubts of myself, could get caught up in the games and manipulation? is it a surprise that even though things started out great, i was more comfortable when things started to go wrong and the anger that i saw in myself and in those who had a big influence on my life, started to come from a person who was supportive of me through all of my insanity?

i have developed HUGE trust issues throughout my life, but along with them came a desire to hold on to some of the people that hurt me the most. who else would stick with me through all the CRAZYNESS? i realize now that that is not logical, but it doesn’t make it any easier to let go of someone who helped me though a lot of my issues, even though they hurt me so much. i DO have a lot of anger towards them. and i DO have a lot of anger towards you. and it FRUSTRATES me that you try and put all the focus on ONE PERSON who hurt me, when in fact, you yourself hurt me a lot too. it may not have been in the same ways, but i hope that one day you will understand what i am trying to get across to you.
the way you talked to me and treated me and tried to keep me “under control” was NOT ALRIGHT. there are issues that have stemmed from that that i am still not able to address or even put words to.

i just hope that one day you can begin to understand. i’m not looking for an apology. i just want you to accept that you were a big influence in my life, for the good and the bad.
i know this is focused on the negative but these are just things that i need to get off of my chest. things i can’t say to you. things i wish i could say to you. things that have taken me YEARS to put words to.
to this day i still feel as though i have disappointed you and as though i still am the “difficult” one.

when all is said and done, maybe that is really my biggest fear..

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