Tag Archives: borderline personality disorder

Lonely Waiting Room (in progress)


She gave in
Scratch scratch
But not enough
Scratch scratch
Frantic
Searching
Scratch scratch
Her skin is burning
Cut
Slit
Dripping
Dripping
Oh shit
Dripping
Dripping
The room spins
Drip drip
She caves again
Slit Slit Slit Slit. …. Oh shit
Drop the razor grab the gauze
the bloods too fast to let it clot
Keep your eyes open. Don’t move your hand.
Straight through the skin and into the fat—-yes that is yellow, you didn’t just imagine that

7 stitches
For 7 years
7 bruises on your fists 7 days of psych ward shit 7 cuts 7 fears
And 7 wads of blood soaked gauze coat the bathroom
…just in case you forgot.

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my future just crashed right in front of my face


I’m starting to see that in order to actually get into grad school I’m going to need a fucking 3.5 gpa or higher. Basically…. I’m fucked.

No grad school admissions department is going to care that I’ve worked my ass off and that my shitty grades aren’t because I can’t do the work or I don’t understand it…. it’s because I haven’t been able to get any of the support I was promised in order to keep me on track.

They aren’t going to care about the reasons why I got a D in human sexuality…. even though I got an A+ on the final. The work I can actually complete and submit on time is always A quality work. The problem is completing the assignments in the time I’m given, with absolutely no help managing my adhd (other than adderall…which helps, but only to a certain extent… it’s like it helps quiet all the buzzing and takes me out of the fog of everything going on around me…. it’s hard to explain…but yeah). This wouldn’t be an issue if I hadn’t been told time and time again by the stupid fucking “center for students with disabilities” that I would get the support I need, especially extended time and advocacy with professors, blah blahblhaahh

Bullfuckingshit

But none of that matters.

Because I got no help.

No matter how many times I asked

No matter how many ways I asked

No matter how many meetings I had or how many directors or presidents or whoever I talked to.

And I couldn’t seem to do it on my own.

At least not well enough.

It would’ve been nice if I had known about this GPA requirement BEFORE I reached the five billionth year of my bachelor’s degree

I would have sacrificed my health to get the grades I needed

I would be a fucking wreck but at least I’d get into grad school

And to think…I wanted to go to u of Chicago. One of the highest ranked, and most challenging, schools in terms of social work masters programs.

That’s never gonna happen.

No matter what I do I cant get my gpa to where it needs to be without re-taking dozens of classes…and I don’t have the money to fund another 2, 3, 4 years of undergrad…ESPECIALLY AT DEPAUL

FUCK MY LIFE

I don’t know what else to do

I really just want to give up

I don’t see the point in trying anymore

What the fuck am I going to do with a fucking bachelor’s in psychology if I can’t go any farther than that?!

NOTHING

I can do NOTHING

I can work at fucking Starbucks for the rest of my fucking pathetic life..

I’m done putting myself through hell for something that is never going to get me any farther than I am right now.

Unless I stumble upon hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on tuition, there’s really nothing I can do.

FUCK.

I feel like the entire world is crashing down on my head as I type this

I feel like a fucking idiot for not knowing any of this shit ahead of time

I’m furious that no one breaks this shit down at the beginning of undergrad. Like, “hey, so if you don’t have a 3.5 when you graduate…. you’re probably never getting into any grad school anywhere ever”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

i need to decompress and figure out where the fuck to go from here.

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Zombie wine


I don’t know why, but wine always seems to clear my mind.
I wonder if the world knows that hallucinations aren’t limited to schizophrenia and drug abuse.. ..

Sometimes shit just happens.
Sometimes sleep is not an option
Sometimes your body retaliates in a really fucked up manner

But I refuse to give up on myself

image

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furious.


furious actually doesn’t even begin to cover what I’m feeling right now.
i’ve been frustrated and unhappy (to varying degrees) with my school (depaul) for the past couple years, but this really takes the cake.
if you are teaching a class about mental illness there is no excuse for making multiple statements that are not only inaccurate but outright offensive and disrespectful. i understand that the chances of having someone in the class with that particular disorder are pretty low, but i was there, and even if i wasn’t: THIS IS NOT OK.

i don’t get offended very easily, at least not to the point where i would describe it as offended. i get irritated and pissed off, things like that. i very very rarely feel completely and utterly offended, especially just by something someone says. because fuck what people say, i know who i am and i do what i want.

i wanted so badly to respond in class on monday. it was the first day, i could still drop the class if need be, and i had multiple logical, respectful responses forming in my head. i wanted to speak but when i opened my mouth no sound came out. my arms were tingling, my leg was twitching, my fists were clenched so hard my palms were actually bleeding. i was so infuriated i could not even bring myself to express that fury, mostly out of fear of slipping or giving into the violent rage that was boiling in my gut. I did not want to respond in a violent manner. i did not want to give that asshole any ammunition, like “see?! CRAZY.” i wanted to respond in a calm, respectful, and intellectual manner. maybe he did not realize how ridiculous his statements were. regardless, if you are teaching a class about mental illness, shouldn’t it be important to know what the fuck you’re talking about?

 

I’ve tried for 2 days now to get over it or find some reasonable explanation for it, but i can’t. maybe its the fact that it hurt me personally, or it pushed me towards circular unhealthy thinking. i don’t know. it really just seems completely absurd to me.

even worse, in all that rage i had many moments of self-doubt that have been lingering over my head ever since that class.

 

what if he was right?

what if i do make everyone around me miserable?

what if i am never able to have a successful relationship?

what if i really do ruin every relationship and friendship that i have?

the sick part of me keeps searching for examples from my past. failed friendships, betrayals, superficial friendships, huge fights ending friendships, crazy unhealthy and abusive relationships, obsessive self-hatred, fear, and self-doubt making me push people away as soon as they start to get to close.

yeah there are examples. but i’ve always held on to the hope that things like that wont last forever. I’ve held onto that motivation because i don’t WANT to push people away. I’ve made a shit ton of progress (granted, i still have a long way to go in some aspects), so essentially telling me I’m wasting my time and somehow i will always fuck shit up is terrifying and heartbreaking. i hate being like this, but I’ve learned to cope and I’ve learned to focus on solutions and growth, rather than dwelling in the bullshit (yes, it does take a lot of effort sometimes, but its gotten easier over time and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process).

i feel like my head is spinning. all the shit i thought i was moving past is now forming a dark cloud lingering overhead, the monster under my bed, the beast chasing me in my nightmares. i don’t think this teacher could have realized how much damage his statements could have done, but i feel that in order to be qualified to teach such a class, he should have a much better understanding of the possible ramifications of reinforcing and perpetuating the stereotypes and stigma associated with mental illness, especially disorders that we still don’t know as much about (like bpd) and that are not understood by the general population even on the most simplistic, basic level.

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