Tag Archives: manic

Lonely Waiting Room (in progress)


She gave in
Scratch scratch
But not enough
Scratch scratch
Frantic
Searching
Scratch scratch
Her skin is burning
Cut
Slit
Dripping
Dripping
Oh shit
Dripping
Dripping
The room spins
Drip drip
She caves again
Slit Slit Slit Slit. …. Oh shit
Drop the razor grab the gauze
the bloods too fast to let it clot
Keep your eyes open. Don’t move your hand.
Straight through the skin and into the fat—-yes that is yellow, you didn’t just imagine that

7 stitches
For 7 years
7 bruises on your fists 7 days of psych ward shit 7 cuts 7 fears
And 7 wads of blood soaked gauze coat the bathroom
…just in case you forgot.

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i am an addict

and there was a time in my life, where abuse was my drug

the thing with abusive relationships is that even when you’re “done” there are still moments where the good feels like its worth the bad

its like being MANIC.

ALL. THE. TIME.

you live in extremes so the “good times” feel like youre on top of the world.

even the smallest gesture, becomes a HUGE DEAL.

its really hard to think about…i feel like an idiot.

how many times did i run back to his games, the fighting, the manipulation, all the drama.

it takes a lot to get past that kind of relationship. in part because you feel like you don’t deserve any better. youre the dumbass who got her ass beat and treated like shit for years, yet never left. i was disgusted with myself.

did i really deserve a man who treated me like a person instead of a punching bag or an ATM?

it was hard to accept that i did. but in life you meet people who give you a whole new perspective, sometimes without even trying.

and in time you learn that you can have the good times, without being treated like shit and getting the life beaten out of you.

its crazy cuz im laughing and crying as im typing this. i wish i knew how to thank that person for helping me become who i am today. but there are really no words to express how truly grateful i am to him.

 

so if you read this,

thank you for putting up with my bullshit and for being you.

i honestly believe that you’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

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