Tag Archives: night terrors

Zombie wine

I don’t know why, but wine always seems to clear my mind.
I wonder if the world knows that hallucinations aren’t limited to schizophrenia and drug abuse.. ..

Sometimes shit just happens.
Sometimes sleep is not an option
Sometimes your body retaliates in a really fucked up manner

But I refuse to give up on myself


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i finally had ONE FULL NIGHT of decent sleep thanks to an amazing friend who distracted me and helped me relax enough to fall asleep.

the first few hours were the same as every other night recently, but it was helpful to have someone there to calm me down when i woke up terrified and out of breath, with my heart racing like i was binging on coke and speed. when i finally fell back to sleep i was able get almost 8 hours of sleep with no crazy dreams (at least none that i remembered when i woke up).

since then, the dreams have started getting a little better.

maybe all i needed was to stop trying to handle everything on my own and reach out for help from people who care about me. asking for help has never been an easy thing for me, especially because im incredibly stubborn and i feel like i should do everything for myself. i’ve lived most of my life believing that asking for help was a form of weakness. if it was a friend asking ME for help, i never saw it that way. it was only “true” if it were ME asking for help. of course i knew this wasn’t rational at all, but it was just something that i believed for so long that its still had to let go of at times.

i’m lucky to have friends that tolerate my stubbornness and help me through shit like this, sometimes without even realizing what they’re doing at all.

i’m hoping that now that the dreams are getting a little better, i’ll be able to figure out what caused me to start having them in the first place.

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out of ideas.

my mind is in shambles right now.

i haven’t had dreams like this in months and they weren’t this bad and i knew why i was having them. last time i had dreams even close to this, someone i love was in danger, so i could rationalize it. i knew why i was tweaking out in my sleep. cuz i was worried.

but thats not the point.

now they’re worse

and i started having them out of the blue

these dreams. ive been having them since like…. mid-january i think…

it hasn’t even been that long and i honestly am LOSING MY MIND because of them.

i cant handle it.

i literally cannot do this.

i wake up screaming

and shaking

or i wake up trying to scream but cant make a sound.

i cant speak right now.

i can barely type. still shaky even tho i woke up 30 minutes ago.

my heart is pounding so hard i can hear it

i cant even explain how a dream can fuck with me this much.

its like my entire world comes crashing down everytime i fall asleep.

even though i logically know its not real, it feels real. every. single. time.

nothing ive tried has helped.

yoga. tea. meditation. deep breathing. reading. music. tv. movies. pilates. stretching. elliptical. tae bo. dance. writing. drawing. sudoku. angry birds. word searches. crosswords. knitting. ballet. singing. pressure points. cough syrup. ambien. klonopin. xanex. weed. alcohol. weed tea. lots of alcohol. EVEN SOBRIETY. nothing i try is working.

im at the point where im terrified to sleep.

i cant handle another night with this dream again.

im open to any suggestions but if i have this dream one more time, i am going to do everything in my power to never sleep until i literally am so drained that i pass out wherever i am. i will stay up for weeks if i have to. i cannot have this dream again.