lying to yourself [work in progress]

DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS. I STARTED IT 2 YEARS AGO AND FINALLY PICKED IT UP AGAIN THIS WEEK. i still haven’t gotten it to accurately reflect the situation I’m trying to describe…which is frustrating as hell because I’ve rewritten it dozens of times. i guess i just can’t find the right words. since it doesn’t say what i want it to say, i decided to focus on the actual writing, describing circumstances similar to what i was originally aiming for.

 

lying to yourself (not just you two)

 

“even the best fall down sometimes”

but how do you get yourself back up

when it seems as though all odds are against you?

you’re smart pretty funny and sweet but you push away any good guy that you meet

its so hard to let people in because your past became a wall

a wall around your heart made up of scars ten feet tall

you fight and you fight trying to figure it out

trying to avoid getting hurt only made the pain linger around

but you fight and you fight and then you let someone in

only to watch him fly away across the fucking world again

 

so you hide and you cry and you swear “never again”

then he comes back and you’re finally reunited

only thing is, things aren’t that simple between you two

and now you’ve gotta face it…he’s not involved with just you.

 

you cant lie

cant say that seeing him doesnt make you smile

cant try and say that he cant brighten up your day

cant lie and tell youself that when your in his arms you dont feel safe

the lies wont protect you from getting hurt again

you already love him you can’t just pretend

so how do you deal with it…

he doesn’t do relationships

give up?

give in?

just accept it?

 

you tried to fight the feelings

tell yourself its a crush, nothing else

knowing all along you want more

you cant keep lying to yourself

you know that you love him and you know he loves you

so how do you deal when its not just you two?

 

black box

so i’ve been watching black box…somewhat obsessively…

**possible spoiler warning**

 

since the very beginning I’ve said that will is bad for catherine (dr black). and since his arrival, i’ve said that dr bickman is much better for her, possibly a perfect fit.

the more i think about it the more it makes sense.
but how much of that is my own personal feelings based on my own experience with bipolar…
here’s how i see it: will see’s her bipolar as a problem, a disease, something that needs to be fixed. which is true to some extent….but what i see as problematic is how he can’t seem to accept her with her “faults”. a great majority of people with bipolar struggle with taking their meds at one point or another. for me, i don’t like getting locked out of my mania. the meds never really helped the downs of my bipolar, so all they did was keep me from experiencing the mania i’d grown to love. why feel “bleh” all the time if i can never feel like I’m on top of the world? to me that doesn’t make sense, so taking my meds regularly doesn’t always work out. that does not mean that i WANT to be sick (although in some periods of my life, i have, but thats another story altogether). regardless of whether I’m on meds or not or whether I’m stable or not, I’m still me. i am not broken, i am not something for you to fix. i feel like will see’s catherine as a different person when he thinks about her bipolar, and that she feels the need to censor herself around him because of it. In my eyes that is not a healthy relationship.

dr bickman see’s her as a person, regardless of her quirks and moments of insanity. she doesn’t have to change for him and she doesn’t have to pretend she’s someone that she’s not. on the other hand, their relationship is so intense that it could be disastrous if something were to go wrong. then again, the same could be said about catherine’s relationship with will.

usually i don’t analyze tv relationships to this extent, but i feel like if i figure this out maybe ill be able to understand relationships in my own life a little better.

or maybe i’m just hopeless.
who knows.

wait

i waited too long

let you slip away time and time again

sabotaged all the good we had going for you and me, for us

i hurt you as a result of trying to avoid letting myself get hurt

and then one day..youre gone

and now somehow, youre back

somehow i got another chance at what i thought i’d never have

but now instead of our stubborn tendencies,

that growing tension,

those painful silences..

that in the past kept us so far apart,

the atlantic ocean separates us.

i cant deny, it breaks my heart;

as i lay here in your arms, laughing at your stupid jokes,

the warmth of your breath on my neck;

a tear rolls down my cheek

i turn away and pretend nothing is wrong, hoping that you dont see

knowing that by the end of the week you’ll be taken away from me

i finally got you and you got me

so ill just have to wait

like you had to wait for me

13 months is a damn long time,

but good things come to those who wait

and deep inside i know

we’ll get it right this time

hey asshole

To all of the ungrateful selfcentered controlling assholes in the world, I was not put on earth for your convenience. Nor was any other woman. I am not scared of your punk ass so if you’re really about shit, then by all means, run up bitch. I’d be more than happy to introduce my fist to your face. Oh and don’t bother trying to make me jealous with that little slut you’re with. Have some dignity and don’t give me the opportunity to laugh in your face about what you lost cuz we all know that she does not have shit on me. I moved on so fall back cuz im never gooing back to that. P.s. I hope you have fun burning for eternity in hell.