Tag Archives: dance

this is my therapy.


my therapy

i’ve had these shoes since the last time i took a ballet class regularly. when i was 11.

they still fit.

but now they reduce my stress, rather than being right at the center of it.

cleaned my apartment so that i could move the furniture and have more space for this.

it was a pain in the ass.

but it was definitely worth it.

[there’s a wolf in my heart for you]

aces

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just me.


for the first time in a very long time, i had a really good body image day.
not because I’ve lost weight or because I’m starting to see some of the muscle tone I’ve been working my ass off for, but because i FELT like it. i told myself this morning no matter how fucked up the day was, i was at least going to quit being so damn hypercritical of myself and focus on things that really matter. i gave myself a limit. i could think 3 negative things about my body. thats it.
i made it through the day with only one.
yeah a lot of other aspects of the day were shitty. my back is killing me because i haven’t slept well in days and i toss and turn all night. work was shitty. class was shitty. my social life and love(?) life are a fucking mess. but thats ok. i can make it through. i always find a way to cope, its just taking a little longer this time. and thats fine. nothing worth fixing can be fixed in the blink of an eye. unless you have magic powers. which i don’t. but that would be pretty fuckin sweet.

anyway, I’m not sure what else was different about today, but for the first time in….maybe years…im looking in the mirror starring down my flaws and refusing to let them control me.
yeah theres a lot of shit i’d like to improve about my body.
i’d love for my arms to be thinner and more toned and for my stomach to be flatter and not have my bra create mini bulges if i move a certain way.
but standing here, in really unflattering lighting, with no make up, no fancy clothes, hair all crazy after a super long day, I’m happy with myself. i haven’t felt this confidence in a while, and even though i know ill always find something thats not perfect, its nice to not feel gross in my own skin. even if i wake up tomorrow and feel like crap again, at least i have this moment.
no drugs no booze no outside influences needed. just me.

and, for now at least, that’s enough.

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impossible choices or impossible dreams


imagesive known what i want to do with my life for a while, but the more i think about it, the more i feel like i have to choose between my own sanity and continuing to pursue something that always seems out of reach. dance makes me happy. maybe its time to do what i NEED instead of what i WANT to be able to do. i can barely maintain my own sanity, how can i help anyone through ptsd if i cant save myself first?

“every opportunity has a shelf life”

if you only knew how much that applies to more than just the subject matter of this post.

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in progress…might be kinda choppy because i stopped writing to go outside and dance


the rain pours down on her

she can barely see two inches in front of her face

but she doesnt care

thunder explodes in the distance

as lightning lights up the night sky

only a fool would be out on such a stormy night

but she could not resist it

the storm was such a beautiful sight

you could call her a fool

tell her she’s crazy for being out there

but why would she listen to you?

why the hell should she care?

the rain pours and pours

she’s soaking wet

drenched head to toe

from her shoes to her hair

but this is her therapy

so she just doesn’t care

with her old boom box radio

turned up to its max

she lets go of the stress

lets herself relax

as the music seeps into her bloodsteam

as her muscles react

while everyone else hides inside

there is no other time that she feels so alive

nothing feels greater than the rain on her skin

the feeling she gets as her arms

cut through the wind

and slice through the raindrops

adrenaline building as she releases her tension

her anger

her pain

its almost as if she could fling it away

life never seemed as clear to her as it did when she was spinning

she’s sobbing and yelling

but no one can see and no one can hear her

no one except me

the heartache and pain that she hides everyday

she lets it all out

with every cabriole

chaînés, failli,  fouetté, jeté

pirouette

her passion rises in a graceful arabesque

she’s spinning and spinning

like she wont ever stop

brisé volé

she does it all

ballet jazz modern hiphop tap

whatever it takes to break down her fears

she dances out in that rain

for hours and hours

tears washing away

her smile sneaks back to her face as she feels the stress and pain finally begin to fade

she just dances and dances and dances

until she is one.

one with the rain.

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