Category Archives: poetry

Lonely Waiting Room (in progress)


She gave in
Scratch scratch
But not enough
Scratch scratch
Frantic
Searching
Scratch scratch
Her skin is burning
Cut
Slit
Dripping
Dripping
Oh shit
Dripping
Dripping
The room spins
Drip drip
She caves again
Slit Slit Slit Slit. …. Oh shit
Drop the razor grab the gauze
the bloods too fast to let it clot
Keep your eyes open. Don’t move your hand.
Straight through the skin and into the fat—-yes that is yellow, you didn’t just imagine that

7 stitches
For 7 years
7 bruises on your fists 7 days of psych ward shit 7 cuts 7 fears
And 7 wads of blood soaked gauze coat the bathroom
…just in case you forgot.

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lying to yourself [work in progress]


DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS. I STARTED IT 2 YEARS AGO AND FINALLY PICKED IT UP AGAIN THIS WEEK. i still haven’t gotten it to accurately reflect the situation I’m trying to describe…which is frustrating as hell because I’ve rewritten it dozens of times. i guess i just can’t find the right words. since it doesn’t say what i want it to say, i decided to focus on the actual writing, describing circumstances similar to what i was originally aiming for.

 

lying to yourself (not just you two)

 

“even the best fall down sometimes”

but how do you get yourself back up

when it seems as though all odds are against you?

you’re smart pretty funny and sweet but you push away any good guy that you meet

its so hard to let people in because your past became a wall

a wall around your heart made up of scars ten feet tall

you fight and you fight trying to figure it out

trying to avoid getting hurt only made the pain linger around

but you fight and you fight and then you let someone in

only to watch him fly away across the fucking world again

 

so you hide and you cry and you swear “never again”

then he comes back and you’re finally reunited

only thing is, things aren’t that simple between you two

and now you’ve gotta face it…he’s not involved with just you.

 

you cant lie

cant say that seeing him doesnt make you smile

cant try and say that he cant brighten up your day

cant lie and tell youself that when your in his arms you dont feel safe

the lies wont protect you from getting hurt again

you already love him you can’t just pretend

so how do you deal with it…

he doesn’t do relationships

give up?

give in?

just accept it?

 

you tried to fight the feelings

tell yourself its a crush, nothing else

knowing all along you want more

you cant keep lying to yourself

you know that you love him and you know he loves you

so how do you deal when its not just you two?

 

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Confetti [angry drunk poetry]


you say now you’ll show me..

you WANT to show me..

the “real” you.

i met you in 2004.

almost 8 years

8 fuckin years

and you never thought to show me the “real” you?

not even once during those 8 years did that occur to you?

what would make you think that after all that has happened

after all the shit i put up with

all the times i stood up for you

all the things ive done for you &time ive wasted

trying to help someone who didn’t give a shit

being the one who stuck with you

no matter how many times you stabbed me in the back

no matter how much bullshit i endured and tolerated

for what?

for someone who was living a lie the whole time?

FUCK THAT.

FUCK YOU.

i’m done.

gone.

and moving the fuck on.

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the way you used to


everything that makes him attractive to me

is everything that reminds me of you

i try to ignore him, but its hard to deny

…he looks at me the way you used to

 

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one way street [[work in progress]]


maybe im pulling back,
maybe ur pushing me away..
i dont know if its me or u or us but im wearing myself down
im gettin tired of trying to read ur mind
trying to figure out how you feel
about me
about us
about life
its hard not knowing if you want me
or if you just wanna be friends
if friends is what you want thats fine
i’d just like to know now, rather than keep holding on til the end
if relationships aren’t youre thing
and you dont wanna be with me
or if youre not feelin the idea of being with one person “exclusively”
i’d just like to know
before i break my own heart
i’d rather you just say it
say it right from the start
cuz im falling for you
and we both know, when i fall, i fall hard
but i dont think you feel the same
and everyday i feel farther and farther away
as if something happened between us
as if something changed
i know that youre busy
youve got a lot on your plate
its more the vibe that im getting
than anything you or i said or did that might make us go astray

i just feel like somethings changed
or maybe someone else just came along

you asked me all those questions
what “together” means to me
what a relationship consists of
how i define exclusivity
and after a little resistance
i completely gave in
telling you how i want to be yours
i quit hiding behind all my bullshit

see, you always call me out for that
whenever im resorting back to that
changing the subject
pretending i dont care
all the bullshit and the games that scurry along with that
so i let down my defenses
i spoke from my heart
i dropped all the bullshit,
wandered into the dark

but the thing that gets me
is how after all the cherades
all the effort to hear me say what you already know,
yet you still think im a mindreader
you wont tell me a thing
but this bullshit-detox
it cant just be from me
because even a casual friendship,
aint a one-way street.

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ive got a secret


i’ve got a secret.
i’ve tried to hide it oh so well.

i think i might love you babe.
but ill never ever tell.

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jealousy


for some reason
im jealous
even though we’re not together
and i technically have no reason to be
i am

and theres a part of me that worries that maybe you’ll choose her
decide that she’s the one you want
the one you’ll commit to
the one who will win your heart
because its pretty clear
and anyone can see
that both her and i
want the same thing

devil on my shoulder says “fuck that bitch”
“jus tell him he should pick you; cuz she aint shit”
but what if she’s good for him? what if he wants her and not me?
what if me and him are just not meant to be?
i broke his heart before, what if he hasn’t forgiven me?
what if he thinks she’s prettier than i am?
what if they have more fun together than we could ever have?
what if she’s better..
better than me?
what if im not good enough?
thats my greatest fear indeed
not good enough
not good enough for him
not good enough for me
not good enough for anyone
i dont want to be alone
i dont want to lose him

but how can i lose something
that i dont truly have?
how can i know how he feels
if i never ask?

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four letter word


there’s a four letter word that i’ve avoided
and have ran from for many years
that four letter word looks so innocent
but could bring so many tears
that four letter word keeps popping up in my head
when i think about how i feel for you
daisy petals falling as i fight my fears
love him? love him not?
love him? love him not?
love him?
yeah. i do.

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you did this


i tried to write you a letter
to tell you how i feel
tell you of the butterflies in my stomach
of the way i squeal when i see a letter from you in the mail
of the hollow space in my heart when you’re away
of the countless times that i think of you every single day
i tried to write you a letter…
but i couldn’t find the words to tell you
what words could never explain

you know that feeling you get
on a roller-coaster
as you’re flipped upside down
before a drop so steep and fast you feel as though you’re about to hit the ground
defying gravity as you’re whisked right back up high in the air

stomach in knots
pulse racing
heart skipping a couple beats
that adrenaline rush
is only a fraction
of these feelings i’ve got
here
lingering

you make me feel alive again
you make all good things better
you spark a light that shines in me
and i know that sounds so damn cliché,
but oh well,
who cares,
whatever.

when it comes to you i dont know what it is that comes over me
i trip over my words
like im dancing with 2 left feet
i dont care what people think
i dont give a damn what they say
i dont give 2 shits if im vulnerable
because you’re worth any risk that i could take

i tried to write you a letter…
but words still could not describe
the feelings that i have for you
these feelings hiding inside
all i know is when i think of you
my smile is so much brighter
so i threw away my failed attempt at a letter
and instead ill send you a telepathic hug and kiss
and a picture of my smile
with a note attached, saying…
“hey you…
you did this.”

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extravagance [[written 2006]]


red extravagance
crimson flowing slowly with each wish
razor lingering at her wrist
like a drawn out kiss
how did she end up like this?
this pain hurt stress insanity
screaming out profanities
disgusted by the ignorance
disturbed by the vanity