Category Archives: stream of consciousness

Lonely Waiting Room (in progress)


She gave in
Scratch scratch
But not enough
Scratch scratch
Frantic
Searching
Scratch scratch
Her skin is burning
Cut
Slit
Dripping
Dripping
Oh shit
Dripping
Dripping
The room spins
Drip drip
She caves again
Slit Slit Slit Slit. …. Oh shit
Drop the razor grab the gauze
the bloods too fast to let it clot
Keep your eyes open. Don’t move your hand.
Straight through the skin and into the fat—-yes that is yellow, you didn’t just imagine that

7 stitches
For 7 years
7 bruises on your fists 7 days of psych ward shit 7 cuts 7 fears
And 7 wads of blood soaked gauze coat the bathroom
…just in case you forgot.

Advertisements
Tagged , , , , , , , , ,

the fucking weather.


was looking for this:

#thefingweather

searched for this:

Screen Shot 2015-01-09 at 2.34.46 AM

and google gave me this:

Screen Shot 2015-01-09 at 2.33.21 AM

sometimes i think i learn more from #fuckinghomepage and other related fucking pages than i learn from some college courses.

dude there is a place called Fucking. who knew?

thefuckingweather.com knew, that’s who.

thatisall.

aces

Tagged , , ,

Drained


I’m too angry and exhausted to articulate the chaos in my mind right now.
But I’m going to try. Or at least start.

My city is at war with itself
And my police seem to have forgotten how to protect and serve
Or did they ever know?
Why do the shitty cops outnumber the good ones?
I know they’re not all bad. As individuals I’m sure there are many “good cops”
But when the system is as broken and corrupted as ours. .. no individual good cop can truly be a good cop
If that makes sense?

When racism and classism and sexism and ableism and homophobia are woven into every aspect, from training cops to absurd sentancing,  how can we expect anything other than what we’ve become?
How can we save our city when those with power are the most corrupt?
How can we claim the cpd isn’t reeking of racism,  when unarmed black men are bring murdered like it’s just another day?
Why is it that the postponed trial of Dante Sevin will make him the first cop to face trial over a fatal shooting since 1995?
It’s not because there haven’t been cops involved in fatal shootings, because that seems to be becoming a regular thing.

Why can’t we hold our police force accountable? Why can’t we hold police officers accountable? Why is this a problem in my city, our city? Why is this a problem all over the country?
Michael Brown and Eric Garner may be the two cases with the most national news coverage, but this is not a new problem.
The tragedies of their deaths and the failure of the criminal justice system that followed brought a nationwide perpetuated problem to light,  so what are we going to do to make this right?

I refuse to sit back and do nothing
Maybe we can make a difference,  maybe we can’t
But it’s time….well, long overdue. …to fight.

And some people have been fighting
For a long time
But there’s strength in numbers

The cpd already sees our protests as a threat
Otherwise there wouldn’t have been such a huge police presence (city and state) at today’s press conference and march
They wouldn’t be illegally accessing our phones data and listening to our calls
They wouldn’t try so hard to break up our peaceful protests

But I get it
If I were them I’d be scared out of my mind
We are young
We are loud
We are strong
And we are determined
We stand together
And we are fed up

So we’ll continue to march
We’ll continue to speak
We’ll shut down as many major streets and highways as we need to

We are not backing down
And we demand change

“This stops today”

So yeah. I’d be scared.  Because this is not going to be an easy fight.

And for now, that is all.. but I’m sure I’ll have more to say tomorrow

aces

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

my future just crashed right in front of my face


I’m starting to see that in order to actually get into grad school I’m going to need a fucking 3.5 gpa or higher. Basically…. I’m fucked.

No grad school admissions department is going to care that I’ve worked my ass off and that my shitty grades aren’t because I can’t do the work or I don’t understand it…. it’s because I haven’t been able to get any of the support I was promised in order to keep me on track.

They aren’t going to care about the reasons why I got a D in human sexuality…. even though I got an A+ on the final. The work I can actually complete and submit on time is always A quality work. The problem is completing the assignments in the time I’m given, with absolutely no help managing my adhd (other than adderall…which helps, but only to a certain extent… it’s like it helps quiet all the buzzing and takes me out of the fog of everything going on around me…. it’s hard to explain…but yeah). This wouldn’t be an issue if I hadn’t been told time and time again by the stupid fucking “center for students with disabilities” that I would get the support I need, especially extended time and advocacy with professors, blah blahblhaahh

Bullfuckingshit

But none of that matters.

Because I got no help.

No matter how many times I asked

No matter how many ways I asked

No matter how many meetings I had or how many directors or presidents or whoever I talked to.

And I couldn’t seem to do it on my own.

At least not well enough.

It would’ve been nice if I had known about this GPA requirement BEFORE I reached the five billionth year of my bachelor’s degree

I would have sacrificed my health to get the grades I needed

I would be a fucking wreck but at least I’d get into grad school

And to think…I wanted to go to u of Chicago. One of the highest ranked, and most challenging, schools in terms of social work masters programs.

That’s never gonna happen.

No matter what I do I cant get my gpa to where it needs to be without re-taking dozens of classes…and I don’t have the money to fund another 2, 3, 4 years of undergrad…ESPECIALLY AT DEPAUL

FUCK MY LIFE

I don’t know what else to do

I really just want to give up

I don’t see the point in trying anymore

What the fuck am I going to do with a fucking bachelor’s in psychology if I can’t go any farther than that?!

NOTHING

I can do NOTHING

I can work at fucking Starbucks for the rest of my fucking pathetic life..

I’m done putting myself through hell for something that is never going to get me any farther than I am right now.

Unless I stumble upon hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on tuition, there’s really nothing I can do.

FUCK.

I feel like the entire world is crashing down on my head as I type this

I feel like a fucking idiot for not knowing any of this shit ahead of time

I’m furious that no one breaks this shit down at the beginning of undergrad. Like, “hey, so if you don’t have a 3.5 when you graduate…. you’re probably never getting into any grad school anywhere ever”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

i need to decompress and figure out where the fuck to go from here.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

lying to yourself [work in progress]


DISCLAIMER: THIS IS A WORK IN PROGRESS. I STARTED IT 2 YEARS AGO AND FINALLY PICKED IT UP AGAIN THIS WEEK. i still haven’t gotten it to accurately reflect the situation I’m trying to describe…which is frustrating as hell because I’ve rewritten it dozens of times. i guess i just can’t find the right words. since it doesn’t say what i want it to say, i decided to focus on the actual writing, describing circumstances similar to what i was originally aiming for.

 

lying to yourself (not just you two)

 

“even the best fall down sometimes”

but how do you get yourself back up

when it seems as though all odds are against you?

you’re smart pretty funny and sweet but you push away any good guy that you meet

its so hard to let people in because your past became a wall

a wall around your heart made up of scars ten feet tall

you fight and you fight trying to figure it out

trying to avoid getting hurt only made the pain linger around

but you fight and you fight and then you let someone in

only to watch him fly away across the fucking world again

 

so you hide and you cry and you swear “never again”

then he comes back and you’re finally reunited

only thing is, things aren’t that simple between you two

and now you’ve gotta face it…he’s not involved with just you.

 

you cant lie

cant say that seeing him doesnt make you smile

cant try and say that he cant brighten up your day

cant lie and tell youself that when your in his arms you dont feel safe

the lies wont protect you from getting hurt again

you already love him you can’t just pretend

so how do you deal with it…

he doesn’t do relationships

give up?

give in?

just accept it?

 

you tried to fight the feelings

tell yourself its a crush, nothing else

knowing all along you want more

you cant keep lying to yourself

you know that you love him and you know he loves you

so how do you deal when its not just you two?

 

Tagged , , , , ,

just me.


for the first time in a very long time, i had a really good body image day.
not because I’ve lost weight or because I’m starting to see some of the muscle tone I’ve been working my ass off for, but because i FELT like it. i told myself this morning no matter how fucked up the day was, i was at least going to quit being so damn hypercritical of myself and focus on things that really matter. i gave myself a limit. i could think 3 negative things about my body. thats it.
i made it through the day with only one.
yeah a lot of other aspects of the day were shitty. my back is killing me because i haven’t slept well in days and i toss and turn all night. work was shitty. class was shitty. my social life and love(?) life are a fucking mess. but thats ok. i can make it through. i always find a way to cope, its just taking a little longer this time. and thats fine. nothing worth fixing can be fixed in the blink of an eye. unless you have magic powers. which i don’t. but that would be pretty fuckin sweet.

anyway, I’m not sure what else was different about today, but for the first time in….maybe years…im looking in the mirror starring down my flaws and refusing to let them control me.
yeah theres a lot of shit i’d like to improve about my body.
i’d love for my arms to be thinner and more toned and for my stomach to be flatter and not have my bra create mini bulges if i move a certain way.
but standing here, in really unflattering lighting, with no make up, no fancy clothes, hair all crazy after a super long day, I’m happy with myself. i haven’t felt this confidence in a while, and even though i know ill always find something thats not perfect, its nice to not feel gross in my own skin. even if i wake up tomorrow and feel like crap again, at least i have this moment.
no drugs no booze no outside influences needed. just me.

and, for now at least, that’s enough.

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , ,

as the waves were high…


all that you love
will be carried away

i jinxed myself by thinking i had my bipolar under control
and by saying i had my mania under control

i should’ve known better than that

i’m stuck in this rut
so I’m self-medicating to ease the pain
every second
of everyday

but theres more to the picture than meets the eye

i slept most of the day yesterday
in doing so, i had a series of elaborate dreams

woke up thinking they were real
picked up my phone to make a call and remembered they weren’t real
remembered I’m not happy
remembered i’m losing my fucking mind
remembered I’m barely managing to get through the day

remembered that just a week ago i was fine
remembered that everything just fell apart

what am i doing?
why can’t i just be ok?

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Stream of conciousness


I hate the world more than I hate myself so everything’s fine.

Next person to ask me if I’m ok is getting decked

I really like the word decked

The blood on the bathroom floor looks too pretty to clean up…but i should probably do that sooner rather than later.

The only reason I havent relapsed in the past few years is its harder to tattoo scarred skin.

High workouts are really fun, but I almost cracked my head open this morning…so maybe I should stop….and maybe I have a concussion…but i dont taste metal so I think I’m ok

I feel weird wearing my tardis dress with my Yoda tattoo..is that weird?

I don’t like being sober anymore.

Tagged , , , , , , ,

picking up the pieces….or trying to anyway


drank through my liquor budget for the next 2 months in the last 3 days.
still feel like total shit…but at least i stopped crying.
still don’t know what the fuck is going on…but at least i stopped crying. at least i can pretend I’m angry and not sad as shit. #PsychoBitchProblems #GoAheadAndJudgeMe #igaveupmyimagealongtimeago

no matter how much we paint the world lime green, there will always be judgement and stigma attached to mental health shit. do we really think we have the power to change that? i guess long-term its possible…but in our lifetimes? I’m not so sure anymore.
then again I’m not so sure of all that much anymore

trying to do what i love to feel better. instead of punching more walls. I’m not sure if my hand can take another high speed collision with a mass of bricks… but then again, maybe the swelling will act like a pillow for my fist….hmmmm. no. probably not. wishful thinking i guess?

I’ve choreographed and written more in the past week than i have in the past 6 months
who cares that every dance has cry breaks and every page has tear stains?
and 97% of the songs are sad as fuck
80% are not in english, so maybe no one will notice
not that anyone is ever going to see these dances or read those pages. but whatever.

I’m doing a GREAT fucking job of honoring Roddy’s memory. sobbing and then drunkenly sobbing clutching this necklace. classy. reeeeeeeal classy.
basically
im a fucking mess

so, sorry
in advance or too late

Bubbie, Mamie, Roddy, Grandma Bettey, Nora, Norman, Aggie
i hope you haven’t given up on me just yet. ill get out of this rut and make you all proud again.
navigating the world without all of you isn’t easy, but ill figure it out. i promise.
i miss all of you. no matter how selfish that makes me.

Grandpa Arnold, i wish i could have met you. Dad doesn’t talk about you much, and when he does I can see how sad it makes him, so I try not to push it.

i guess thats all.
I’m trying to keep it together enough to fake it through the day. work and school work and school. just have to make it through the day. one day at a time.

cuando no es contigo

bracelets

Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , ,

furious.


furious actually doesn’t even begin to cover what I’m feeling right now.
i’ve been frustrated and unhappy (to varying degrees) with my school (depaul) for the past couple years, but this really takes the cake.
if you are teaching a class about mental illness there is no excuse for making multiple statements that are not only inaccurate but outright offensive and disrespectful. i understand that the chances of having someone in the class with that particular disorder are pretty low, but i was there, and even if i wasn’t: THIS IS NOT OK.

i don’t get offended very easily, at least not to the point where i would describe it as offended. i get irritated and pissed off, things like that. i very very rarely feel completely and utterly offended, especially just by something someone says. because fuck what people say, i know who i am and i do what i want.

i wanted so badly to respond in class on monday. it was the first day, i could still drop the class if need be, and i had multiple logical, respectful responses forming in my head. i wanted to speak but when i opened my mouth no sound came out. my arms were tingling, my leg was twitching, my fists were clenched so hard my palms were actually bleeding. i was so infuriated i could not even bring myself to express that fury, mostly out of fear of slipping or giving into the violent rage that was boiling in my gut. I did not want to respond in a violent manner. i did not want to give that asshole any ammunition, like “see?! CRAZY.” i wanted to respond in a calm, respectful, and intellectual manner. maybe he did not realize how ridiculous his statements were. regardless, if you are teaching a class about mental illness, shouldn’t it be important to know what the fuck you’re talking about?

 

I’ve tried for 2 days now to get over it or find some reasonable explanation for it, but i can’t. maybe its the fact that it hurt me personally, or it pushed me towards circular unhealthy thinking. i don’t know. it really just seems completely absurd to me.

even worse, in all that rage i had many moments of self-doubt that have been lingering over my head ever since that class.

 

what if he was right?

what if i do make everyone around me miserable?

what if i am never able to have a successful relationship?

what if i really do ruin every relationship and friendship that i have?

the sick part of me keeps searching for examples from my past. failed friendships, betrayals, superficial friendships, huge fights ending friendships, crazy unhealthy and abusive relationships, obsessive self-hatred, fear, and self-doubt making me push people away as soon as they start to get to close.

yeah there are examples. but i’ve always held on to the hope that things like that wont last forever. I’ve held onto that motivation because i don’t WANT to push people away. I’ve made a shit ton of progress (granted, i still have a long way to go in some aspects), so essentially telling me I’m wasting my time and somehow i will always fuck shit up is terrifying and heartbreaking. i hate being like this, but I’ve learned to cope and I’ve learned to focus on solutions and growth, rather than dwelling in the bullshit (yes, it does take a lot of effort sometimes, but its gotten easier over time and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process).

i feel like my head is spinning. all the shit i thought i was moving past is now forming a dark cloud lingering overhead, the monster under my bed, the beast chasing me in my nightmares. i don’t think this teacher could have realized how much damage his statements could have done, but i feel that in order to be qualified to teach such a class, he should have a much better understanding of the possible ramifications of reinforcing and perpetuating the stereotypes and stigma associated with mental illness, especially disorders that we still don’t know as much about (like bpd) and that are not understood by the general population even on the most simplistic, basic level.

Tagged , , , , , , , ,