i am an addict

and there was a time in my life, where abuse was my drug

the thing with abusive relationships is that even when you’re “done” there are still moments where the good feels like its worth the bad

its like being MANIC.

ALL. THE. TIME.

you live in extremes so the “good times” feel like youre on top of the world.

even the smallest gesture, becomes a HUGE DEAL.

its really hard to think about…i feel like an idiot.

how many times did i run back to his games, the fighting, the manipulation, all the drama.

it takes a lot to get past that kind of relationship. in part because you feel like you don’t deserve any better. youre the dumbass who got her ass beat and treated like shit for years, yet never left. i was disgusted with myself.

did i really deserve a man who treated me like a person instead of a punching bag or an ATM?

it was hard to accept that i did. but in life you meet people who give you a whole new perspective, sometimes without even trying.

and in time you learn that you can have the good times, without being treated like shit and getting the life beaten out of you.

its crazy cuz im laughing and crying as im typing this. i wish i knew how to thank that person for helping me become who i am today. but there are really no words to express how truly grateful i am to him.

 

so if you read this,

thank you for putting up with my bullshit and for being you.

i honestly believe that you’re one of the best things that’s ever happened to me.

i hate you for turning me into the vengeful monster i have become

theres a fuckin reason why i dont trust people. and that reason is a person who does not know what the fuck is coming for them. i swear to fucking god i will not stop until i break you down like you broke me down. get a credit card in my name and fuck up my car. i dare you. do it if u dont value your fuckin life. cuz im done with your bullshit. i will not back down to you this time. you wanna fight? well fuck it, alright. im down to fight. you dont scare me anymore. you’re pathetic. you’re weak and insecure and think you can change that by abusing, who else, me. you selfish ass. i put up with your bullshit for so many years crying so many tears but now dont you see that shit just aint me. i will not let you show up out of the fucking blue and think you can pick up where you left off when i was controlled and manipulated everyday by you. i was that girl, the one who would sit there and tollerate your bitch ass. but in time, things change, you know? and in case you didnt know, im done with that act. being controlled by you, well, i have had quite enough of that. so try to provoke me and try to make me hate myself for what YOU do. i wanna see the look on your face when you hit me and i fight back like hell. i want to see you squirm in pain as i put my cigarette out on your skin, like when you burned my back with that cigarette lighter while i was passed out in the passenger seat of MY car after you had beaten my ass so bad i was vomiting and coughing up blood for 3 hours before i lost consciousness. remember when you whipped me with your belt? and then wrapped it around my neck while i tried to pull myself to my feet with the little remaining strength i tried to hold onto, trying to stay conscious cuz i knew if i didn’t i’d be dead right now. clingling to life as you laughed in my face and then went on with your day like nothing had happened.
you say you dont remember
but i do
and i know you do too
and i know you know im past my breaking point
but what you dont know is that if you fuck with me again, you WILL pay for everything you did to me
i hate you more than i ever hated myself
and im going to enjoy your pain more than a sadist enjoys torturing a victim
im going to make you beg me for your life
and then i am going to take it and dangle it in your face
before i walk away
like you did to me

my apology

dear heart,

im sorry.

i promise to never trust anyone ever again.

im sorry i fell for him.

im sorry he doesnt even know.

im sorry i let myself be vulnerable, let you be vulnerable.

im sorry youve been broken so many times.

im sorry you are covered in scar tissue.

im sorry that i kept going back to the boy who repeatedly stabbed you and tore you apart, all for the fun of watching me fall apart time and time again.

im sorry for not realizing sooner that he was only a boy, when i needed a man.

im sorry that it took years to even begin to get past everything he put me through.

im sorry that i finally gave myself a chance to move on and trust again.

im sorry that that was a mistake.

im sorry that trusting people is always a mistake.

im sorry i thoguht i could have a chance.

im sorry i thought i could have a chance at love.

or something close to it.

something like it.

lust, like, love, crush, whatever it was, i thought maybe i could actually have it.

im sorry i fell for someone who didnt abuse me.

im sorry i fell for him and fell fast and hard.

im NOT sorry for finally ending things with an abusive sociopath.

im NOT sorry for telling him that i was done and i was moving on.

im sorry that it didnt last long.

im sorry i let down my guard.

im sorry there were sparks.

im sorry there was chemistry.

im sorry he understands me.

im sorry his smile gives me chills.

im sorry his touch sends shivers down my spine.

im sorry his eyes saw right through the fake smile on my face.

im sorry im not perfect.

im sorry he is.

im sorry for everything.

i promise, i will never ever trust again.

sincerely,

ally

hey asshole

To all of the ungrateful selfcentered controlling assholes in the world, I was not put on earth for your convenience. Nor was any other woman. I am not scared of your punk ass so if you’re really about shit, then by all means, run up bitch. I’d be more than happy to introduce my fist to your face. Oh and don’t bother trying to make me jealous with that little slut you’re with. Have some dignity and don’t give me the opportunity to laugh in your face about what you lost cuz we all know that she does not have shit on me. I moved on so fall back cuz im never gooing back to that. P.s. I hope you have fun burning for eternity in hell.

untitled

wrote this a few months ago… not my greatest work ever, but writing it helped me get through a really shitty day

———————-

you sigh..
well FUCK YOU,
dont say i didnt try
its simply a waste of my time
and energy, to fight
when im frozen in time
as im drowning in lies
that you spit out like lines
so rehearsed
elaborate
so dense i cant swim
cant swim through any of it,
your never-ending bullshit.

its flooding the room
as you sit back and grin
finding sheer entertainment
somewhere within
my gasps for air my flailing limbs
thats when i give in
and my lungs start to fill
slowly running out of air
replaced with mendacity,
with such intricate tales,
extravagant fabrications,
you think your lies are impenetrable
thicker
thicker than smoke
when mary jane burns
like a fool i trusted you
trusted and fell for
fib after fib
lie after lie
time after time
excuses and explanations
each less likely than the next
as the words continue to flow
i hear nothing but “blah”s
you speak
speak without
a single drop
of any truth
no truth to dilute
the tall tales that you tell
the deception
the fictitious guile
that you keep vomiting out

dont know how much longer
how much longer i can hold on
down to my final breath
this is the last straw
i inhale one last time
and as i breathe out
i let everything go
i let it all out

in a last leap of faith
with fragments of energy and splinters of strength
i whisper your name
you turn to face me
for once like a man
as my lungs collapse
and my heart ceases to beat
i look you in the eyes and smile
as you begin
to catch on to my plan
i finally win
the fear in your eyes
simply priceless
i can see your heartbeat
come to a stop
“you’re coming with me”
and with that
we both drop