physical things i notice first in men


  • jawline
  • eyes
  • eye contact…. especially if you can look me in the eyes after i catch you staring at my chest….
  • posture
  • jawline
  • jawline
  • jawline
  • facial hair
  • confidence
  • chin
  • jawline
  • did i mention jawline?
  • muscles
  • posture
  • muscular proportions (not a fan of chicken legs and balloon arms)



yes please





2 finals down

almost done with this paper

then just 1 more paper and 1 more final and I’m done


…until summer quarter like a week. 



are a labrynth 

the dreams are back. and worse than before. 

running out of ideas

running out of options

a while back i made a list

“how to realize you’re shutting down even when you’re being a stubborn fucking bitch”

only problem is stubborn me doesn’t like being called stubborn, and decided to ignore the list for the past few months

  • acting “happy” for no reason
  • blowing off class
  • half-assing papers
  • not preparing for exams at all (when you’ve done NONE of the reading and spaced out in nearly every class)—EVEN IF YOU STILL GET AN A
  • not leaving the apartment for multiple days (unless its crazy cold)
  • finding broken shit and not remembering how it got broken
  • excessive throwing of phone
  • ignoring friends
  • losing time
  • numbness
  • not getting out of bed for 3 days (especially if followed by obsessive exercise)
  • not finishing anything no matter how much adderall you take
  • —-except for full seasons of tv shows…watching a full season straight in one day is NOT NORMAL and NOT HEALTHY


for some reason, even once i stopped being a stubborn shit, getting back on my feet is proving to be a lot harder this time.

losing time

you said it best. 

hurt people hurt people. 



spent friday at a friend’s house. 

[[party party party lets all get wasted]]

i should not ever drink whiskey

bad idea

the more drunk i got the more angry and depressing the music got

eventually we listened to that o-town song like 80 million times and i was screaming about how if i hadn’t been an idiot all those years ago, it would all be ok



drunk me has very black and white thinking

turns out i still haven’t broken my valentine’s day curse.

oh well. 


damn you writer’s block.

sometimes i dont know if how im feeling is because of the situation or because of how fucked up in the head i am

sometimes i dont care

it should scare me…the fact that i live on this tightrope of whatthefuckness

but sometimes

it doesnt

ive been angry lately.


saying thats an understatement would be an understatement in itself..

i keep slipping

and i hate it

but sometimes i love it

20 bucks says ill read this tomorrow and laugh at how textbook bpd i must sound right now

then again, there was a time where i wholeheartedly embraced how fucked up i am.. was?….no. definitely am.

after years of working on impulse control i still cant get it right. one little tiny thing set me off and next thing i know i was deep in the midst of overcaffeinated retail therapy. all i needed was new running shoes! thats it! i even picked them out BEFORE i went to the store so i wouldnt avoid my typical shoe/clothes shopping drawn out indecisiveness.

at least i returned most of the stuff this time., last time this happened i fucked myself over really bad and it took months to get my budgeting back on track.



maybe i should sleep. but i probably won’t.

ill worry about climbing out of this ditch tomorrow.

part of me is shutting down

the rest of me is spiraling

that is all.Image







the reaper