Asides


physical things i notice first in men

 

  • jawline
  • eyes
  • eye contact…. especially if you can look me in the eyes after i catch you staring at my chest….
  • posture
  • jawline
  • jawline
  • jawline
  • facial hair
  • confidence
  • chin
  • jawline
  • did i mention jawline?
  • muscles
  • posture
  • muscular proportions (not a fan of chicken legs and balloon arms)

 

 

yes please

 

 

 

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2 finals down

almost done with this paper

then just 1 more paper and 1 more final and I’m done

 

…until summer quarter starts..in like a week. 

agh.


we…

are a labrynth 


the dreams are back. and worse than before. 

running out of ideas

running out of options


a while back i made a list

“how to realize you’re shutting down even when you’re being a stubborn fucking bitch”

only problem is stubborn me doesn’t like being called stubborn, and decided to ignore the list for the past few months

  • acting “happy” for no reason
  • blowing off class
  • half-assing papers
  • not preparing for exams at all (when you’ve done NONE of the reading and spaced out in nearly every class)—EVEN IF YOU STILL GET AN A
  • not leaving the apartment for multiple days (unless its crazy cold)
  • finding broken shit and not remembering how it got broken
  • excessive throwing of phone
  • ignoring friends
  • losing time
  • numbness
  • not getting out of bed for 3 days (especially if followed by obsessive exercise)
  • not finishing anything no matter how much adderall you take
  • —-except for full seasons of tv shows…watching a full season straight in one day is NOT NORMAL and NOT HEALTHY

 

for some reason, even once i stopped being a stubborn shit, getting back on my feet is proving to be a lot harder this time.

losing time


you said it best. 

hurt people hurt people. 

 

 

spent friday at a friend’s house. 

[[party party party lets all get wasted]]

i should not ever drink whiskey

bad idea

the more drunk i got the more angry and depressing the music got

eventually we listened to that o-town song like 80 million times and i was screaming about how if i hadn’t been an idiot all those years ago, it would all be ok

 

 

drunk me has very black and white thinking

turns out i still haven’t broken my valentine’s day curse.

oh well. 

 


damn you writer’s block.


sometimes i dont know if how im feeling is because of the situation or because of how fucked up in the head i am

sometimes i dont care

it should scare me…the fact that i live on this tightrope of whatthefuckness

but sometimes

it doesnt

ive been angry lately.

no.

saying thats an understatement would be an understatement in itself..

i keep slipping

and i hate it

but sometimes i love it

20 bucks says ill read this tomorrow and laugh at how textbook bpd i must sound right now

then again, there was a time where i wholeheartedly embraced how fucked up i am.. was?….no. definitely am.

after years of working on impulse control i still cant get it right. one little tiny thing set me off and next thing i know i was deep in the midst of overcaffeinated retail therapy. all i needed was new running shoes! thats it! i even picked them out BEFORE i went to the store so i wouldnt avoid my typical shoe/clothes shopping drawn out indecisiveness.

at least i returned most of the stuff this time., last time this happened i fucked myself over really bad and it took months to get my budgeting back on track.

aghhhh

fuck

maybe i should sleep. but i probably won’t.

ill worry about climbing out of this ditch tomorrow.


part of me is shutting down

the rest of me is spiraling

that is all.Image


stress

     relapse

       reboot

          restart

             re-stress

                 repeat

the reaper

grim

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