Tag Archives: bullshit

it’s time.


i graduated from la europa academy in 2008. completed the program in april(ish…..i think).

when i came home i had 2 options:

a. therapy 2x/week and a transition program with a mentor i met with at least once every week

b. get completely cut off from my parents and support myself. [at this point i had no job, no car, no license, no money…i had nothing to my name. so this really wasn’t an option]

i started therapy with jackie. she worked at the outpatient program i’d gone to many times at alexian brothers. she was the one person there i really trusted and the only person who didn’t fall for my shit and who called me out on it [even the drs and caseworkers in the inpatient program bought into my act. i knew what to say and how and when to say it, so most people didn’t think twice about it]

i had also done group therapy with jackie before i left for la europa. because i already trusted her, we thought individual therapy would be easier for me because i wouldn’t have to do the whole “getting to know you” building trust bullshit.

it went smoothly until i got a job and my schedule was always changing. somehow it got to the point where i just stopped going altogether.

i still had the transition program, but i didn’t really put much effort into utilizing it. it was a little easier with my second mentor who i had a more natural connection with, but eventually—again, due to scheduling problems and my hardheadedness—my sessions with her ended as well.

i don’t remember exactly when our sessions stopped, but unless my timeline is off, I’m pretty sure its been over 2 years since my last therapy session.

granted, i do see my psychiatrist once every 3 months or so. but the sessions are mostly focused on adjusting meds or phasing out meds. sidenote: i’m currently at the lowest number of scripts I’ve been on since i was like….15 or 16–YAY—and its pretty balanced (even though i hate having to take anything other than my adderall…but thats another story entirely)

my parents have been trying to get me back in therapy for a while, and have proposed a few different places, but none of them seemed like a good fit for me, and i didnt want to waste the time and money trying to find one that worked out.

recently though, I’ve been thinking about this stuff A LOT.

and as much as i hate to admit it, i think i really do need to get back into some kind of structured therapy-esque thing.

its time.

now i just have to suffer through the whole therapist-search/trial and error shit that i hate so much…..and hopefully it will help me get my temper, my mood, and my life back on track.

aces

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furious.


furious actually doesn’t even begin to cover what I’m feeling right now.
i’ve been frustrated and unhappy (to varying degrees) with my school (depaul) for the past couple years, but this really takes the cake.
if you are teaching a class about mental illness there is no excuse for making multiple statements that are not only inaccurate but outright offensive and disrespectful. i understand that the chances of having someone in the class with that particular disorder are pretty low, but i was there, and even if i wasn’t: THIS IS NOT OK.

i don’t get offended very easily, at least not to the point where i would describe it as offended. i get irritated and pissed off, things like that. i very very rarely feel completely and utterly offended, especially just by something someone says. because fuck what people say, i know who i am and i do what i want.

i wanted so badly to respond in class on monday. it was the first day, i could still drop the class if need be, and i had multiple logical, respectful responses forming in my head. i wanted to speak but when i opened my mouth no sound came out. my arms were tingling, my leg was twitching, my fists were clenched so hard my palms were actually bleeding. i was so infuriated i could not even bring myself to express that fury, mostly out of fear of slipping or giving into the violent rage that was boiling in my gut. I did not want to respond in a violent manner. i did not want to give that asshole any ammunition, like “see?! CRAZY.” i wanted to respond in a calm, respectful, and intellectual manner. maybe he did not realize how ridiculous his statements were. regardless, if you are teaching a class about mental illness, shouldn’t it be important to know what the fuck you’re talking about?

 

I’ve tried for 2 days now to get over it or find some reasonable explanation for it, but i can’t. maybe its the fact that it hurt me personally, or it pushed me towards circular unhealthy thinking. i don’t know. it really just seems completely absurd to me.

even worse, in all that rage i had many moments of self-doubt that have been lingering over my head ever since that class.

 

what if he was right?

what if i do make everyone around me miserable?

what if i am never able to have a successful relationship?

what if i really do ruin every relationship and friendship that i have?

the sick part of me keeps searching for examples from my past. failed friendships, betrayals, superficial friendships, huge fights ending friendships, crazy unhealthy and abusive relationships, obsessive self-hatred, fear, and self-doubt making me push people away as soon as they start to get to close.

yeah there are examples. but i’ve always held on to the hope that things like that wont last forever. I’ve held onto that motivation because i don’t WANT to push people away. I’ve made a shit ton of progress (granted, i still have a long way to go in some aspects), so essentially telling me I’m wasting my time and somehow i will always fuck shit up is terrifying and heartbreaking. i hate being like this, but I’ve learned to cope and I’ve learned to focus on solutions and growth, rather than dwelling in the bullshit (yes, it does take a lot of effort sometimes, but its gotten easier over time and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process).

i feel like my head is spinning. all the shit i thought i was moving past is now forming a dark cloud lingering overhead, the monster under my bed, the beast chasing me in my nightmares. i don’t think this teacher could have realized how much damage his statements could have done, but i feel that in order to be qualified to teach such a class, he should have a much better understanding of the possible ramifications of reinforcing and perpetuating the stereotypes and stigma associated with mental illness, especially disorders that we still don’t know as much about (like bpd) and that are not understood by the general population even on the most simplistic, basic level.

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Confetti [angry drunk poetry]


you say now you’ll show me..

you WANT to show me..

the “real” you.

i met you in 2004.

almost 8 years

8 fuckin years

and you never thought to show me the “real” you?

not even once during those 8 years did that occur to you?

what would make you think that after all that has happened

after all the shit i put up with

all the times i stood up for you

all the things ive done for you &time ive wasted

trying to help someone who didn’t give a shit

being the one who stuck with you

no matter how many times you stabbed me in the back

no matter how much bullshit i endured and tolerated

for what?

for someone who was living a lie the whole time?

FUCK THAT.

FUCK YOU.

i’m done.

gone.

and moving the fuck on.

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fuck you, you fucking poltergeist


the one day i decide to take the train to work instead of wasting $16-$32 on parking, i get home to find my car window shattered.
i should have ignored the doctor and taken the rest of my stuff up to my apartment, despite the fact that i hurt my back really bad while i was moving, but i figured since there was nothing really valuable on its own (at least nothing that was visible) it would be fine for one more day. i had plans to pick up a friend after work so he could help me carry the rest of the stuff up to my new apartment.
i did not even know how to react when i walked past my car that night. it looked like my window was open, so i looked closer thinking “why would i have left my window open? i rarely roll the back passenger window down so that doesn’t make sense.. maybe i’m just being paranoid.”
at this point i realized it wasn’t open, it was GONE. there was glass everywhere, everything in my car had been thrown around, it was a fucking mess. after my friend helped me carry everything that was left up to my apartment, i spent the next few hours screaming, venting, punching and kicking shit, and trying to remember everything that had been in there so i could figure out what had been taken. even though nothing was valuable on its own, it all added up to hundreds of dollars of stolen property. not only did they steal my textbooks, my laundry, random medicines (WHO THE FUCK STEALS EXCEDRIN?!), a notebook, a toothbrush holder, a flat iron, and a bunch of other random shit, but among those items were: my 2pac shirt that i spent 3 hours searching for in time square 5 years ago, my favorite dress, a vintage shirt that belonged to my grandmother, and my favorite sweater. the notebook they stole was filled (literally cover-to-cover) with poems and other writing that i hadn’t had time to type yet.

i know it could’ve been a lot worse and i’m very grateful that it wasn’t, but really? WHAT KIND OF A THIEF BREAKS INTO A CAR AND STEALS LAUNDRY, TEXTBOOKS, AND MISCELLANEOUS ITEMS OF LITTLE MONETARY VALUE…AND DOESN’T STEAL THE IPAD, THE NEW CAR SPEAKERS (THAT HADN’T EVEN BEEN INSTALLED YET), THE NOOK E-READER, OR THE IPOD

needless to say, i emptied out my car and will never make the mistake of leaving ANYTHING in there ever again. not a cd, not a sweater. absolutely NOTHING. not even a newspaper. not even a fucking pen.
fuck the people in this world who do shit like this.
i know desperate people do desperate things, but this really seems more like a dumb ass thief thinking they’re some sort of badass thug cuz they know how to break a window, just looking to make someone else’s life more difficult. fuck you, you fucking poltergeist.

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dear world,


dear world,
fuck you if you have an issue with me. im going to be happy and get my life together whether you try and fuck me over or not. to anyone who has a problem with me, i dont give a fuck, get the fuck over it. i dont have time for people like you in my life. to anyone who doesn’t like me, GOOD, i dont need you to like me, now leave me the fuck alone. to anyone who wants to start shit, start it somewhere else, cuz you’re wasting your time with me.
to the insecure bitches and assholes from my past that feel the need to try to pull me back down with them, get over yourself, there’s a REASON why you didn’t make it to my PRESENT or my FUTURE. that being said, stay the fuck away from me with that bullshit.
i refuse to let this shit hold me back. i have finals, bills, and MY OWN RESPONSIBILITIES to worry about, i dont have time for nonsense like this.
sincerely, ME

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one way street [[work in progress]]


maybe im pulling back,
maybe ur pushing me away..
i dont know if its me or u or us but im wearing myself down
im gettin tired of trying to read ur mind
trying to figure out how you feel
about me
about us
about life
its hard not knowing if you want me
or if you just wanna be friends
if friends is what you want thats fine
i’d just like to know now, rather than keep holding on til the end
if relationships aren’t youre thing
and you dont wanna be with me
or if youre not feelin the idea of being with one person “exclusively”
i’d just like to know
before i break my own heart
i’d rather you just say it
say it right from the start
cuz im falling for you
and we both know, when i fall, i fall hard
but i dont think you feel the same
and everyday i feel farther and farther away
as if something happened between us
as if something changed
i know that youre busy
youve got a lot on your plate
its more the vibe that im getting
than anything you or i said or did that might make us go astray

i just feel like somethings changed
or maybe someone else just came along

you asked me all those questions
what “together” means to me
what a relationship consists of
how i define exclusivity
and after a little resistance
i completely gave in
telling you how i want to be yours
i quit hiding behind all my bullshit

see, you always call me out for that
whenever im resorting back to that
changing the subject
pretending i dont care
all the bullshit and the games that scurry along with that
so i let down my defenses
i spoke from my heart
i dropped all the bullshit,
wandered into the dark

but the thing that gets me
is how after all the cherades
all the effort to hear me say what you already know,
yet you still think im a mindreader
you wont tell me a thing
but this bullshit-detox
it cant just be from me
because even a casual friendship,
aint a one-way street.

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forever has died


to say forever
is quite a long time
you promised, you swore
forever was mine

you said you’d be there to cry to
we’d get through each fight
my friend, my love, my hero, my sight

but now i see truth
despite all the pain
you hurt me so bad
with your little games

said you’d never leave me
never make me cry
but that doesn’t matter much
when “i love you” is a lie

forget all the help
forget all the tries
forget this bullshit
cuz forever has died.

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