Tag Archives: destructive

it’s time.


i graduated from la europa academy in 2008. completed the program in april(ish…..i think).

when i came home i had 2 options:

a. therapy 2x/week and a transition program with a mentor i met with at least once every week

b. get completely cut off from my parents and support myself. [at this point i had no job, no car, no license, no money…i had nothing to my name. so this really wasn’t an option]

i started therapy with jackie. she worked at the outpatient program i’d gone to many times at alexian brothers. she was the one person there i really trusted and the only person who didn’t fall for my shit and who called me out on it [even the drs and caseworkers in the inpatient program bought into my act. i knew what to say and how and when to say it, so most people didn’t think twice about it]

i had also done group therapy with jackie before i left for la europa. because i already trusted her, we thought individual therapy would be easier for me because i wouldn’t have to do the whole “getting to know you” building trust bullshit.

it went smoothly until i got a job and my schedule was always changing. somehow it got to the point where i just stopped going altogether.

i still had the transition program, but i didn’t really put much effort into utilizing it. it was a little easier with my second mentor who i had a more natural connection with, but eventually—again, due to scheduling problems and my hardheadedness—my sessions with her ended as well.

i don’t remember exactly when our sessions stopped, but unless my timeline is off, I’m pretty sure its been over 2 years since my last therapy session.

granted, i do see my psychiatrist once every 3 months or so. but the sessions are mostly focused on adjusting meds or phasing out meds. sidenote: i’m currently at the lowest number of scripts I’ve been on since i was like….15 or 16–YAY—and its pretty balanced (even though i hate having to take anything other than my adderall…but thats another story entirely)

my parents have been trying to get me back in therapy for a while, and have proposed a few different places, but none of them seemed like a good fit for me, and i didnt want to waste the time and money trying to find one that worked out.

recently though, I’ve been thinking about this stuff A LOT.

and as much as i hate to admit it, i think i really do need to get back into some kind of structured therapy-esque thing.

its time.

now i just have to suffer through the whole therapist-search/trial and error shit that i hate so much…..and hopefully it will help me get my temper, my mood, and my life back on track.

aces

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as the waves were high…


all that you love
will be carried away

i jinxed myself by thinking i had my bipolar under control
and by saying i had my mania under control

i should’ve known better than that

i’m stuck in this rut
so I’m self-medicating to ease the pain
every second
of everyday

but theres more to the picture than meets the eye

i slept most of the day yesterday
in doing so, i had a series of elaborate dreams

woke up thinking they were real
picked up my phone to make a call and remembered they weren’t real
remembered I’m not happy
remembered i’m losing my fucking mind
remembered I’m barely managing to get through the day

remembered that just a week ago i was fine
remembered that everything just fell apart

what am i doing?
why can’t i just be ok?

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have you ever wanted to DESTROY something BEAUTIFUL?


I wrote this last summer when I was basically at my ultimate rock bottom…lots of anger and irrationality, but writing was the one thing that kept me from giving up. Instead of feeding into my anger and letting it grow, I wrote tons and tons of these rants. I honestly think that if I hadn’t done that, I would have never been able to get back on my feet.

—————————————————————————————————————————

i
have
never
felt
this
destructive
and utterly
FURIOUS
in my entire life.

this is a fucking load of CRAP.
apparently, asking for support when i am upset, or even just keeping my family updated on the status of my physical symptoms [[which have yet to be connected to a specific illness, disorder, or other identifiable health issue]] and my emotional well-being [[or lack thereof]], makes everything else that i do independently completely void.
makes sense…if you don’t have a functional brain.
people who do have brains, however, [[like me]] can see that this is the most nonsense claim that has ever been uttered from the lips of someone so intelligent and knowledgeable as the person who’s four page letter i am currently scribbling responses all over in big RED letters.
i want to scream at this person. “you think you’re furious?! how the fuck do you think i’m feeling right now?!” but i cant.
in about 45 minutes i will have completed the process of turning off my emotions and adapting my “fuck the world and everyone in it” attitude.
it sucks, but its either that or go to jail for my reactions to the things that were just said to me.

i hope you read this. you know who you are. i wouldn’t have expected you of all people to tell me this shit. i’m not being independent because i know when i need help?! what kind of sense does that make?! would you rather me just stop functioning so that i cannot do anything to help and support myself? or would you rather me just leave. i think its the second one. yes. that’s it. you know, you could have just said you don’t want me to live here.
guess i’ll start packing.

next time you want to lose a daughter? i recommend that you just say it. rather than try and make her feel guilty with a note in which you insult her intelligence, integrity, values, willpower, sanity, and basically EVERYTHING.

did you even realize what you were saying? did you think twice before you handed me this? did you honestly think that telling me to not react or respond yet and to think about it would stop me from being this FURIOUS and from saying what i have to say? NO. i’m not gonna sit back and wait til i get so upset that i try to block all of this out of my mind and FORGET why i was upset, twisting things so that I’M the one to blame?

FUCK THAT. i dunno who the fuck you think i am, but you must have me mistaken for someone else cuz there is no way in hell that im going to sit back and act like it’s all good when you just switched from being one of my biggest supports to another fucking HYPOCRITE?! DO YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT I NEED ANOTHER ONE OF THOSE IN MY LIFE?! ARE YOU REALLY THAT BLIND?! CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I WAS TRYING TO BE HONEST AND OPEN WITH YOU AND TRYING TO KEEP YOU INVOLVED IN MY LIFE AND UP TO DATE AS TO WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ME?! CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT I FUCKING TRUSTED YOU WITH THINGS THAT I HAVE NEVER TOLD ANYONE, EVER?! THE SIMPLE IDEA THAT MY DARKEST SECRET HAS LOST THE SAFETY OF HIDING IN THE BACK OF MY MIND IS TERRIFYING AND NOW THE PERSON THAT I TRUSTED WITH THAT SECRET IS USING MY EMOTIONAL INSTABILITY AS A REASON WHY I AM NOT INDEPENDENT AND WHY I AM NOT MATURE AND USING THAT AGAINST ME?!

ok i just lost my train of thought. fuck. my. life.
but i think its great that someone who “loves” me is all of a sudden taking away my chance at doing something with my life.
what a waste. i would’ve been a damn good therapist some day. one who could be living proof that shit does get better and recovery IS actually possible. and in the process of learning all the knowledge that i could possible absorb in order to be the best therapist i could possible be, i’m SURE that i would have actually discovered an effective way to control my own anger.

whatever. i dont need you.
i dont need anyone.
FUCK EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED TO DO IN MY LIFE.
FUCK MY COLLEGE FUND. KEEP IT. GO BUY MORE ALCOHOL FOR DAD. THAT WOULD PUT IT TO GOOD USE.

MAYBE I SHOULD JUST SPEND ALL OF MY PAYCHECKS ON ALL OF THOSE HARDCORE DRUGS THAT YOU SEEM TO THINK IM DOING.
GREAT IDEA RIGHT?!
peace the fuck out. when i leave tomorrow u will never see me again.

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