Tag Archives: fear of love

facing my fears


what are the 3 scariest things in the entire world?

 

SPIDERS.

VULNERABILITY.

LOVE.

 

 

the crazy part is, i kinda knew he knew i love him. or at least had some idea. its pretty obvious. a friend of ours makes a point to call me out on it almost every time i see him. my girls make fun of me for trying to deny it after talking about him for hours with a giant smile on my face.

yet saying it outloud to him was TERRIFYING

i was literally shaking.

my heart was beating so hard i thought it was going to break through my ribs and out of my chest.

 

vulnerability is not something i handle well.

 

but sometimes, you just have to face your fears. and for once in my life i know it was worth it. and i know im worth it.

no one else in the world makes me feel this way. no one ever has.

im laughing at myself for being this cheezy or whatever, but when i FINALLY told him, i felt like a giant boulder was lifted off of my shoulders.

no more hiding from my feelings.

im learning now that i don’t need to be numb.

no one else makes me this happy. and even though i havent always been the greatest person in the world and i do stupid shit and make mistakes and fuck up every now and again….i deserve this happiness. and i hope that i can make him as happy as he makes me.

 

those three words were so terrifying to me a few days ago

but regardless of my fears, the words are true. and have been for quite some time now.

i couldnt continue to hold in how i felt. and with him, i can be vulnerable, because the one place that i truly feel completely safe is in his arms. so he held me and i somehow mustered up the courage to say what i have been feeling for so long.

i love you.

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one way street [[work in progress]]


maybe im pulling back,
maybe ur pushing me away..
i dont know if its me or u or us but im wearing myself down
im gettin tired of trying to read ur mind
trying to figure out how you feel
about me
about us
about life
its hard not knowing if you want me
or if you just wanna be friends
if friends is what you want thats fine
i’d just like to know now, rather than keep holding on til the end
if relationships aren’t youre thing
and you dont wanna be with me
or if youre not feelin the idea of being with one person “exclusively”
i’d just like to know
before i break my own heart
i’d rather you just say it
say it right from the start
cuz im falling for you
and we both know, when i fall, i fall hard
but i dont think you feel the same
and everyday i feel farther and farther away
as if something happened between us
as if something changed
i know that youre busy
youve got a lot on your plate
its more the vibe that im getting
than anything you or i said or did that might make us go astray

i just feel like somethings changed
or maybe someone else just came along

you asked me all those questions
what “together” means to me
what a relationship consists of
how i define exclusivity
and after a little resistance
i completely gave in
telling you how i want to be yours
i quit hiding behind all my bullshit

see, you always call me out for that
whenever im resorting back to that
changing the subject
pretending i dont care
all the bullshit and the games that scurry along with that
so i let down my defenses
i spoke from my heart
i dropped all the bullshit,
wandered into the dark

but the thing that gets me
is how after all the cherades
all the effort to hear me say what you already know,
yet you still think im a mindreader
you wont tell me a thing
but this bullshit-detox
it cant just be from me
because even a casual friendship,
aint a one-way street.

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four letter word


there’s a four letter word that i’ve avoided
and have ran from for many years
that four letter word looks so innocent
but could bring so many tears
that four letter word keeps popping up in my head
when i think about how i feel for you
daisy petals falling as i fight my fears
love him? love him not?
love him? love him not?
love him?
yeah. i do.

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