Tag Archives: addiction

Lonely Waiting Room (in progress)

She gave in
Scratch scratch
But not enough
Scratch scratch
Scratch scratch
Her skin is burning
Oh shit
The room spins
Drip drip
She caves again
Slit Slit Slit Slit. …. Oh shit
Drop the razor grab the gauze
the bloods too fast to let it clot
Keep your eyes open. Don’t move your hand.
Straight through the skin and into the fat—-yes that is yellow, you didn’t just imagine that

7 stitches
For 7 years
7 bruises on your fists 7 days of psych ward shit 7 cuts 7 fears
And 7 wads of blood soaked gauze coat the bathroom
…just in case you forgot.

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as the waves were high…

all that you love
will be carried away

i jinxed myself by thinking i had my bipolar under control
and by saying i had my mania under control

i should’ve known better than that

i’m stuck in this rut
so I’m self-medicating to ease the pain
every second
of everyday

but theres more to the picture than meets the eye

i slept most of the day yesterday
in doing so, i had a series of elaborate dreams

woke up thinking they were real
picked up my phone to make a call and remembered they weren’t real
remembered I’m not happy
remembered i’m losing my fucking mind
remembered I’m barely managing to get through the day

remembered that just a week ago i was fine
remembered that everything just fell apart

what am i doing?
why can’t i just be ok?

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Stream of conciousness

I hate the world more than I hate myself so everything’s fine.

Next person to ask me if I’m ok is getting decked

I really like the word decked

The blood on the bathroom floor looks too pretty to clean up…but i should probably do that sooner rather than later.

The only reason I havent relapsed in the past few years is its harder to tattoo scarred skin.

High workouts are really fun, but I almost cracked my head open this morning…so maybe I should stop….and maybe I have a concussion…but i dont taste metal so I think I’m ok

I feel weird wearing my tardis dress with my Yoda tattoo..is that weird?

I don’t like being sober anymore.

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the scars remind us…the past is real.

5 years, 1 month, 2 days.

never thought i’d get this far.

i’m a completely different person that i was back then. not just because i’ve grown up, but because i knew i had to commit to change.

i’m stronger than i ever thought i would be.

even when i don’t FEEL strong, i know i wouldn’t be here right now if i wasn’t.

i fought like hell to get my life back from my past. and i won.

it may never be easy, but i refuse to ever give up.

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i never really appreciate my health until i get so sick that i can barely get out of bed.

feeling almost completely better now.

i’m incredibly thankful that i’m as healthy as i am today, despite the stress i’ve put my body through over the last 21 years. with all my impulsive (usually bad) decisions, addictions, and my tendency to take unnecessary risks in almost any situation, i’m a little surprised my body hasn’t turned on me by now. a few months ago i would’ve dwelled on all the “what ifs” and beat myself up about how i’ve never really put much effort into taking care of myself (even when i was making “healthy” decisions, everything was an extreme, and i seemed to lack the ability to do anything in moderation). but now i just look back at all my stupidity and realize that i survived my own insanity. im still young and i still have a life to live. i have hopes and dreams and a way to accomplish them. i have a home, a job, a car, food to eat, clothes to keep me warm, etc. etc…

but most importantly, i have people i love who have put up with my bullshit for years and who still love me and care about me despite my flaws.

its times like this that i actually see how different of a person i am. my past is what it is, and theres nothing i can do to change it. now i use it as motivation to make something of my life, take care of myself, be thankful for everything i’m lucky enough to have, and most importantly: cherish the people i love.

that is all for now i suppose. time to finish my sociology paper.


i never really …

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out of control? pfft

smoke blunts to make peace with the war in my head
then sleep like a baby, or party til im dead

i’ll out-dance and out-drink you
yes, you AND your friend
don’t believe it?
well shit…

my friends say




but in reality, i’m fine
i’ve partied way harder than this.
i’m having fun,

why’s that a crime?

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tired of being tired

wayne said it best..

“im sick of bein sick

and tired of bein tired”

one thing ive learned in my 2 decades of life is

to do something yourself is the only way

to know that that something has been done right

for years i felt lost, ran from reality into my own little world

but i got sick of running

sick of being fed up

with where my life was heading

and tired of being tired of

the life that i was living

so i searched and i searched and i found myself again

its nice to know that

i know who i am

i know who i was

i know who im not

i know what i hope to become

i know what i hope to accomplish

i refuse to let anyone or anything control my life

i make my own decisions

i have my own mind

nothing is going to get in my way

i wont let anything hold me down again

its the little things that keep me from giving into the rage

i know im worth a lot more than anyone ever gave

so i do what i want

i do as i please

throwing regret out the window

see it fade through my rear view

driving away from the negativity that in the past i always ran to

i may always be an addict

but never again will i let my addictions dictate how i choose to live my life

no more running from hurt

no more masking the pain

im facing my fears head on

and nothing can stand in my way

the secret to my survival was realizing

that the only one

who can save me from me…

is me

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