Tag Archives: hate

Stream of conciousness

I hate the world more than I hate myself so everything’s fine.

Next person to ask me if I’m ok is getting decked

I really like the word decked

The blood on the bathroom floor looks too pretty to clean up…but i should probably do that sooner rather than later.

The only reason I havent relapsed in the past few years is its harder to tattoo scarred skin.

High workouts are really fun, but I almost cracked my head open this morning…so maybe I should stop….and maybe I have a concussion…but i dont taste metal so I think I’m ok

I feel weird wearing my tardis dress with my Yoda tattoo..is that weird?

I don’t like being sober anymore.

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i hate you for turning me into the vengeful monster i have become

theres a fuckin reason why i dont trust people. and that reason is a person who does not know what the fuck is coming for them. i swear to fucking god i will not stop until i break you down like you broke me down. get a credit card in my name and fuck up my car. i dare you. do it if u dont value your fuckin life. cuz im done with your bullshit. i will not back down to you this time. you wanna fight? well fuck it, alright. im down to fight. you dont scare me anymore. you’re pathetic. you’re weak and insecure and think you can change that by abusing, who else, me. you selfish ass. i put up with your bullshit for so many years crying so many tears but now dont you see that shit just aint me. i will not let you show up out of the fucking blue and think you can pick up where you left off when i was controlled and manipulated everyday by you. i was that girl, the one who would sit there and tollerate your bitch ass. but in time, things change, you know? and in case you didnt know, im done with that act. being controlled by you, well, i have had quite enough of that. so try to provoke me and try to make me hate myself for what YOU do. i wanna see the look on your face when you hit me and i fight back like hell. i want to see you squirm in pain as i put my cigarette out on your skin, like when you burned my back with that cigarette lighter while i was passed out in the passenger seat of MY car after you had beaten my ass so bad i was vomiting and coughing up blood for 3 hours before i lost consciousness. remember when you whipped me with your belt? and then wrapped it around my neck while i tried to pull myself to my feet with the little remaining strength i tried to hold onto, trying to stay conscious cuz i knew if i didn’t i’d be dead right now. clingling to life as you laughed in my face and then went on with your day like nothing had happened.
you say you dont remember
but i do
and i know you do too
and i know you know im past my breaking point
but what you dont know is that if you fuck with me again, you WILL pay for everything you did to me
i hate you more than i ever hated myself
and im going to enjoy your pain more than a sadist enjoys torturing a victim
im going to make you beg me for your life
and then i am going to take it and dangle it in your face
before i walk away
like you did to me

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venting… [white noise]

thats an understatement
fighting yelling screaming…

from another state

you try to tell me how to live
and claim you taught me how to love
but i think you really taught me how to hate

i really need a fucking vacation from you
need an eternal break
when i do something for myself
you blow my phone up just to try to say
whatever it is that you think will send me over the edge

why do i even bother trying to relax?
you always seem to ruin it
im across the country and somehow you still find a way to get to me
saying i should come home early
because who knows what i could be out here doing
but the thing is
i dont need your approval and i sure as hell dont seek it
im not your girl
not your bitch
not the fucking mother of your baby
why dont you stop harassing me and
get that fucking slut in check

oh wait thats why you do this
cuz you feel safe if youre arguing with me
because i used to be the one who was there no matter what and put up with all your bullshit and let you walk all over me
you think you can still do this shit and think that you wont lose me?
that’s where you’ll find that youre mistaken
cuz to me,
all you are is history

i need a motherfucking change
god damn i fucking hate you
and how i let you torture me
manipulating me for years but i tell ya boy that chapter’s finally closed and i just need to put it past me
and walk away
but somehow you still find ways to piss me off enough to send me through the roof and back
i hate how i let you push me into this neverending rage
i just wanna get away
just wanna find some escape
you think you can manipulate me
think you still know everything that goes on in my head
stop trying to control me boy
your not my fucking man
shit youre not even a man
still a child its insane
thought you woulda grown up at least a little bit and stopped with all the games
so get the hell out of my face
go somewhere else with all that noise
just leave me the hell alone
cuz youre no longer in my life.
its time i finally tune you out completely
now youre voice is nothing but white noise

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wrote this a few months ago… not my greatest work ever, but writing it helped me get through a really shitty day


you sigh..
well FUCK YOU,
dont say i didnt try
its simply a waste of my time
and energy, to fight
when im frozen in time
as im drowning in lies
that you spit out like lines
so rehearsed
so dense i cant swim
cant swim through any of it,
your never-ending bullshit.

its flooding the room
as you sit back and grin
finding sheer entertainment
somewhere within
my gasps for air my flailing limbs
thats when i give in
and my lungs start to fill
slowly running out of air
replaced with mendacity,
with such intricate tales,
extravagant fabrications,
you think your lies are impenetrable
thicker than smoke
when mary jane burns
like a fool i trusted you
trusted and fell for
fib after fib
lie after lie
time after time
excuses and explanations
each less likely than the next
as the words continue to flow
i hear nothing but “blah”s
you speak
speak without
a single drop
of any truth
no truth to dilute
the tall tales that you tell
the deception
the fictitious guile
that you keep vomiting out

dont know how much longer
how much longer i can hold on
down to my final breath
this is the last straw
i inhale one last time
and as i breathe out
i let everything go
i let it all out

in a last leap of faith
with fragments of energy and splinters of strength
i whisper your name
you turn to face me
for once like a man
as my lungs collapse
and my heart ceases to beat
i look you in the eyes and smile
as you begin
to catch on to my plan
i finally win
the fear in your eyes
simply priceless
i can see your heartbeat
come to a stop
“you’re coming with me”
and with that
we both drop

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