Tag Archives: bipolar

Lonely Waiting Room (in progress)


She gave in
Scratch scratch
But not enough
Scratch scratch
Frantic
Searching
Scratch scratch
Her skin is burning
Cut
Slit
Dripping
Dripping
Oh shit
Dripping
Dripping
The room spins
Drip drip
She caves again
Slit Slit Slit Slit. …. Oh shit
Drop the razor grab the gauze
the bloods too fast to let it clot
Keep your eyes open. Don’t move your hand.
Straight through the skin and into the fat—-yes that is yellow, you didn’t just imagine that

7 stitches
For 7 years
7 bruises on your fists 7 days of psych ward shit 7 cuts 7 fears
And 7 wads of blood soaked gauze coat the bathroom
…just in case you forgot.

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my future just crashed right in front of my face


I’m starting to see that in order to actually get into grad school I’m going to need a fucking 3.5 gpa or higher. Basically…. I’m fucked.

No grad school admissions department is going to care that I’ve worked my ass off and that my shitty grades aren’t because I can’t do the work or I don’t understand it…. it’s because I haven’t been able to get any of the support I was promised in order to keep me on track.

They aren’t going to care about the reasons why I got a D in human sexuality…. even though I got an A+ on the final. The work I can actually complete and submit on time is always A quality work. The problem is completing the assignments in the time I’m given, with absolutely no help managing my adhd (other than adderall…which helps, but only to a certain extent… it’s like it helps quiet all the buzzing and takes me out of the fog of everything going on around me…. it’s hard to explain…but yeah). This wouldn’t be an issue if I hadn’t been told time and time again by the stupid fucking “center for students with disabilities” that I would get the support I need, especially extended time and advocacy with professors, blah blahblhaahh

Bullfuckingshit

But none of that matters.

Because I got no help.

No matter how many times I asked

No matter how many ways I asked

No matter how many meetings I had or how many directors or presidents or whoever I talked to.

And I couldn’t seem to do it on my own.

At least not well enough.

It would’ve been nice if I had known about this GPA requirement BEFORE I reached the five billionth year of my bachelor’s degree

I would have sacrificed my health to get the grades I needed

I would be a fucking wreck but at least I’d get into grad school

And to think…I wanted to go to u of Chicago. One of the highest ranked, and most challenging, schools in terms of social work masters programs.

That’s never gonna happen.

No matter what I do I cant get my gpa to where it needs to be without re-taking dozens of classes…and I don’t have the money to fund another 2, 3, 4 years of undergrad…ESPECIALLY AT DEPAUL

FUCK MY LIFE

I don’t know what else to do

I really just want to give up

I don’t see the point in trying anymore

What the fuck am I going to do with a fucking bachelor’s in psychology if I can’t go any farther than that?!

NOTHING

I can do NOTHING

I can work at fucking Starbucks for the rest of my fucking pathetic life..

I’m done putting myself through hell for something that is never going to get me any farther than I am right now.

Unless I stumble upon hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on tuition, there’s really nothing I can do.

FUCK.

I feel like the entire world is crashing down on my head as I type this

I feel like a fucking idiot for not knowing any of this shit ahead of time

I’m furious that no one breaks this shit down at the beginning of undergrad. Like, “hey, so if you don’t have a 3.5 when you graduate…. you’re probably never getting into any grad school anywhere ever”

FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK.

i need to decompress and figure out where the fuck to go from here.

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it’s time.


i graduated from la europa academy in 2008. completed the program in april(ish…..i think).

when i came home i had 2 options:

a. therapy 2x/week and a transition program with a mentor i met with at least once every week

b. get completely cut off from my parents and support myself. [at this point i had no job, no car, no license, no money…i had nothing to my name. so this really wasn’t an option]

i started therapy with jackie. she worked at the outpatient program i’d gone to many times at alexian brothers. she was the one person there i really trusted and the only person who didn’t fall for my shit and who called me out on it [even the drs and caseworkers in the inpatient program bought into my act. i knew what to say and how and when to say it, so most people didn’t think twice about it]

i had also done group therapy with jackie before i left for la europa. because i already trusted her, we thought individual therapy would be easier for me because i wouldn’t have to do the whole “getting to know you” building trust bullshit.

it went smoothly until i got a job and my schedule was always changing. somehow it got to the point where i just stopped going altogether.

i still had the transition program, but i didn’t really put much effort into utilizing it. it was a little easier with my second mentor who i had a more natural connection with, but eventually—again, due to scheduling problems and my hardheadedness—my sessions with her ended as well.

i don’t remember exactly when our sessions stopped, but unless my timeline is off, I’m pretty sure its been over 2 years since my last therapy session.

granted, i do see my psychiatrist once every 3 months or so. but the sessions are mostly focused on adjusting meds or phasing out meds. sidenote: i’m currently at the lowest number of scripts I’ve been on since i was like….15 or 16–YAY—and its pretty balanced (even though i hate having to take anything other than my adderall…but thats another story entirely)

my parents have been trying to get me back in therapy for a while, and have proposed a few different places, but none of them seemed like a good fit for me, and i didnt want to waste the time and money trying to find one that worked out.

recently though, I’ve been thinking about this stuff A LOT.

and as much as i hate to admit it, i think i really do need to get back into some kind of structured therapy-esque thing.

its time.

now i just have to suffer through the whole therapist-search/trial and error shit that i hate so much…..and hopefully it will help me get my temper, my mood, and my life back on track.

aces

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as the waves were high…


all that you love
will be carried away

i jinxed myself by thinking i had my bipolar under control
and by saying i had my mania under control

i should’ve known better than that

i’m stuck in this rut
so I’m self-medicating to ease the pain
every second
of everyday

but theres more to the picture than meets the eye

i slept most of the day yesterday
in doing so, i had a series of elaborate dreams

woke up thinking they were real
picked up my phone to make a call and remembered they weren’t real
remembered I’m not happy
remembered i’m losing my fucking mind
remembered I’m barely managing to get through the day

remembered that just a week ago i was fine
remembered that everything just fell apart

what am i doing?
why can’t i just be ok?

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black box


so i’ve been watching black box…somewhat obsessively…

**possible spoiler warning**

 

since the very beginning I’ve said that will is bad for catherine (dr black). and since his arrival, i’ve said that dr bickman is much better for her, possibly a perfect fit.

the more i think about it the more it makes sense.
but how much of that is my own personal feelings based on my own experience with bipolar…
here’s how i see it: will see’s her bipolar as a problem, a disease, something that needs to be fixed. which is true to some extent….but what i see as problematic is how he can’t seem to accept her with her “faults”. a great majority of people with bipolar struggle with taking their meds at one point or another. for me, i don’t like getting locked out of my mania. the meds never really helped the downs of my bipolar, so all they did was keep me from experiencing the mania i’d grown to love. why feel “bleh” all the time if i can never feel like I’m on top of the world? to me that doesn’t make sense, so taking my meds regularly doesn’t always work out. that does not mean that i WANT to be sick (although in some periods of my life, i have, but thats another story altogether). regardless of whether I’m on meds or not or whether I’m stable or not, I’m still me. i am not broken, i am not something for you to fix. i feel like will see’s catherine as a different person when he thinks about her bipolar, and that she feels the need to censor herself around him because of it. In my eyes that is not a healthy relationship.

dr bickman see’s her as a person, regardless of her quirks and moments of insanity. she doesn’t have to change for him and she doesn’t have to pretend she’s someone that she’s not. on the other hand, their relationship is so intense that it could be disastrous if something were to go wrong. then again, the same could be said about catherine’s relationship with will.

usually i don’t analyze tv relationships to this extent, but i feel like if i figure this out maybe ill be able to understand relationships in my own life a little better.

or maybe i’m just hopeless.
who knows.

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