Tag Archives: DBT

it’s time.


i graduated from la europa academy in 2008. completed the program in april(ish…..i think).

when i came home i had 2 options:

a. therapy 2x/week and a transition program with a mentor i met with at least once every week

b. get completely cut off from my parents and support myself. [at this point i had no job, no car, no license, no money…i had nothing to my name. so this really wasn’t an option]

i started therapy with jackie. she worked at the outpatient program i’d gone to many times at alexian brothers. she was the one person there i really trusted and the only person who didn’t fall for my shit and who called me out on it [even the drs and caseworkers in the inpatient program bought into my act. i knew what to say and how and when to say it, so most people didn’t think twice about it]

i had also done group therapy with jackie before i left for la europa. because i already trusted her, we thought individual therapy would be easier for me because i wouldn’t have to do the whole “getting to know you” building trust bullshit.

it went smoothly until i got a job and my schedule was always changing. somehow it got to the point where i just stopped going altogether.

i still had the transition program, but i didn’t really put much effort into utilizing it. it was a little easier with my second mentor who i had a more natural connection with, but eventually—again, due to scheduling problems and my hardheadedness—my sessions with her ended as well.

i don’t remember exactly when our sessions stopped, but unless my timeline is off, I’m pretty sure its been over 2 years since my last therapy session.

granted, i do see my psychiatrist once every 3 months or so. but the sessions are mostly focused on adjusting meds or phasing out meds. sidenote: i’m currently at the lowest number of scripts I’ve been on since i was like….15 or 16–YAY—and its pretty balanced (even though i hate having to take anything other than my adderall…but thats another story entirely)

my parents have been trying to get me back in therapy for a while, and have proposed a few different places, but none of them seemed like a good fit for me, and i didnt want to waste the time and money trying to find one that worked out.

recently though, I’ve been thinking about this stuff A LOT.

and as much as i hate to admit it, i think i really do need to get back into some kind of structured therapy-esque thing.

its time.

now i just have to suffer through the whole therapist-search/trial and error shit that i hate so much…..and hopefully it will help me get my temper, my mood, and my life back on track.

aces

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Progress


Only punched one wall today
And it wasn’t even brick!

I did snap at a couple people…
But that’s to be expected
Because they were being dumb asses and it was only right for someone to let them know.

It’s also been almost 24 hours since my last cigarette because I’m broke til tomorrow and i seem to have lost the pack I just bought :/

Surprisingly the cravings aren’t too bad yet…. oh and the bud helps too..but still; PROGRESS, right?

image

aces.

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just me.


for the first time in a very long time, i had a really good body image day.
not because I’ve lost weight or because I’m starting to see some of the muscle tone I’ve been working my ass off for, but because i FELT like it. i told myself this morning no matter how fucked up the day was, i was at least going to quit being so damn hypercritical of myself and focus on things that really matter. i gave myself a limit. i could think 3 negative things about my body. thats it.
i made it through the day with only one.
yeah a lot of other aspects of the day were shitty. my back is killing me because i haven’t slept well in days and i toss and turn all night. work was shitty. class was shitty. my social life and love(?) life are a fucking mess. but thats ok. i can make it through. i always find a way to cope, its just taking a little longer this time. and thats fine. nothing worth fixing can be fixed in the blink of an eye. unless you have magic powers. which i don’t. but that would be pretty fuckin sweet.

anyway, I’m not sure what else was different about today, but for the first time in….maybe years…im looking in the mirror starring down my flaws and refusing to let them control me.
yeah theres a lot of shit i’d like to improve about my body.
i’d love for my arms to be thinner and more toned and for my stomach to be flatter and not have my bra create mini bulges if i move a certain way.
but standing here, in really unflattering lighting, with no make up, no fancy clothes, hair all crazy after a super long day, I’m happy with myself. i haven’t felt this confidence in a while, and even though i know ill always find something thats not perfect, its nice to not feel gross in my own skin. even if i wake up tomorrow and feel like crap again, at least i have this moment.
no drugs no booze no outside influences needed. just me.

and, for now at least, that’s enough.

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