Welcome back to hell.
Welcome back to hell.
I’m too angry and exhausted to articulate the chaos in my mind right now.
But I’m going to try. Or at least start.
My city is at war with itself
And my police seem to have forgotten how to protect and serve
Or did they ever know?
Why do the shitty cops outnumber the good ones?
I know they’re not all bad. As individuals I’m sure there are many “good cops”
But when the system is as broken and corrupted as ours. .. no individual good cop can truly be a good cop
If that makes sense?
When racism and classism and sexism and ableism and homophobia are woven into every aspect, from training cops to absurd sentancing, how can we expect anything other than what we’ve become?
How can we save our city when those with power are the most corrupt?
How can we claim the cpd isn’t reeking of racism, when unarmed black men are bring murdered like it’s just another day?
Why is it that the postponed trial of Dante Sevin will make him the first cop to face trial over a fatal shooting since 1995?
It’s not because there haven’t been cops involved in fatal shootings, because that seems to be becoming a regular thing.
Why can’t we hold our police force accountable? Why can’t we hold police officers accountable? Why is this a problem in my city, our city? Why is this a problem all over the country?
Michael Brown and Eric Garner may be the two cases with the most national news coverage, but this is not a new problem.
The tragedies of their deaths and the failure of the criminal justice system that followed brought a nationwide perpetuated problem to light, so what are we going to do to make this right?
I refuse to sit back and do nothing
Maybe we can make a difference, maybe we can’t
But it’s time….well, long overdue. …to fight.
And some people have been fighting
For a long time
But there’s strength in numbers
The cpd already sees our protests as a threat
Otherwise there wouldn’t have been such a huge police presence (city and state) at today’s press conference and march
They wouldn’t be illegally accessing our phones data and listening to our calls
They wouldn’t try so hard to break up our peaceful protests
But I get it
If I were them I’d be scared out of my mind
We are young
We are loud
We are strong
And we are determined
We stand together
And we are fed up
So we’ll continue to march
We’ll continue to speak
We’ll shut down as many major streets and highways as we need to
We are not backing down
And we demand change
“This stops today”
So yeah. I’d be scared. Because this is not going to be an easy fight.
And for now, that is all.. but I’m sure I’ll have more to say tomorrow
I don’t know why, but wine always seems to clear my mind.
I wonder if the world knows that hallucinations aren’t limited to schizophrenia and drug abuse.. ..
Sometimes shit just happens.
Sometimes sleep is not an option
Sometimes your body retaliates in a really fucked up manner
But I refuse to give up on myself
i graduated from la europa academy in 2008. completed the program in april(ish…..i think).
when i came home i had 2 options:
a. therapy 2x/week and a transition program with a mentor i met with at least once every week
b. get completely cut off from my parents and support myself. [at this point i had no job, no car, no license, no money…i had nothing to my name. so this really wasn’t an option]
i started therapy with jackie. she worked at the outpatient program i’d gone to many times at alexian brothers. she was the one person there i really trusted and the only person who didn’t fall for my shit and who called me out on it [even the drs and caseworkers in the inpatient program bought into my act. i knew what to say and how and when to say it, so most people didn’t think twice about it]
i had also done group therapy with jackie before i left for la europa. because i already trusted her, we thought individual therapy would be easier for me because i wouldn’t have to do the whole “getting to know you” building trust bullshit.
it went smoothly until i got a job and my schedule was always changing. somehow it got to the point where i just stopped going altogether.
i still had the transition program, but i didn’t really put much effort into utilizing it. it was a little easier with my second mentor who i had a more natural connection with, but eventually—again, due to scheduling problems and my hardheadedness—my sessions with her ended as well.
i don’t remember exactly when our sessions stopped, but unless my timeline is off, I’m pretty sure its been over 2 years since my last therapy session.
granted, i do see my psychiatrist once every 3 months or so. but the sessions are mostly focused on adjusting meds or phasing out meds. sidenote: i’m currently at the lowest number of scripts I’ve been on since i was like….15 or 16–YAY—and its pretty balanced (even though i hate having to take anything other than my adderall…but thats another story entirely)
my parents have been trying to get me back in therapy for a while, and have proposed a few different places, but none of them seemed like a good fit for me, and i didnt want to waste the time and money trying to find one that worked out.
recently though, I’ve been thinking about this stuff A LOT.
and as much as i hate to admit it, i think i really do need to get back into some kind of structured therapy-esque thing.
now i just have to suffer through the whole therapist-search/trial and error shit that i hate so much…..and hopefully it will help me get my temper, my mood, and my life back on track.
i’ve had these shoes since the last time i took a ballet class regularly. when i was 11.
they still fit.
but now they reduce my stress, rather than being right at the center of it.
cleaned my apartment so that i could move the furniture and have more space for this.
it was a pain in the ass.
but it was definitely worth it.
[there’s a wolf in my heart for you]
Only punched one wall today
And it wasn’t even brick!
I did snap at a couple people…
But that’s to be expected
Because they were being dumb asses and it was only right for someone to let them know.
It’s also been almost 24 hours since my last cigarette because I’m broke til tomorrow and i seem to have lost the pack I just bought
Surprisingly the cravings aren’t too bad yet…. oh and the bud helps too..but still; PROGRESS, right?
for the first time in a very long time, i had a really good body image day.
not because I’ve lost weight or because I’m starting to see some of the muscle tone I’ve been working my ass off for, but because i FELT like it. i told myself this morning no matter how fucked up the day was, i was at least going to quit being so damn hypercritical of myself and focus on things that really matter. i gave myself a limit. i could think 3 negative things about my body. thats it.
i made it through the day with only one.
yeah a lot of other aspects of the day were shitty. my back is killing me because i haven’t slept well in days and i toss and turn all night. work was shitty. class was shitty. my social life and love(?) life are a fucking mess. but thats ok. i can make it through. i always find a way to cope, its just taking a little longer this time. and thats fine. nothing worth fixing can be fixed in the blink of an eye. unless you have magic powers. which i don’t. but that would be pretty fuckin sweet.
anyway, I’m not sure what else was different about today, but for the first time in….maybe years…im looking in the mirror starring down my flaws and refusing to let them control me.
yeah theres a lot of shit i’d like to improve about my body.
i’d love for my arms to be thinner and more toned and for my stomach to be flatter and not have my bra create mini bulges if i move a certain way.
but standing here, in really unflattering lighting, with no make up, no fancy clothes, hair all crazy after a super long day, I’m happy with myself. i haven’t felt this confidence in a while, and even though i know ill always find something thats not perfect, its nice to not feel gross in my own skin. even if i wake up tomorrow and feel like crap again, at least i have this moment.
no drugs no booze no outside influences needed. just me.
and, for now at least, that’s enough.
all that you love
will be carried away
i jinxed myself by thinking i had my bipolar under control
and by saying i had my mania under control
i should’ve known better than that
i’m stuck in this rut
so I’m self-medicating to ease the pain
but theres more to the picture than meets the eye
i slept most of the day yesterday
in doing so, i had a series of elaborate dreams
woke up thinking they were real
picked up my phone to make a call and remembered they weren’t real
remembered I’m not happy
remembered i’m losing my fucking mind
remembered I’m barely managing to get through the day
remembered that just a week ago i was fine
remembered that everything just fell apart
what am i doing?
why can’t i just be ok?