Tag Archives: anger

my future just crashed right in front of my face

I’m starting to see that in order to actually get into grad school I’m going to need a fucking 3.5 gpa or higher. Basically…. I’m fucked.

No grad school admissions department is going to care that I’ve worked my ass off and that my shitty grades aren’t because I can’t do the work or I don’t understand it…. it’s because I haven’t been able to get any of the support I was promised in order to keep me on track.

They aren’t going to care about the reasons why I got a D in human sexuality…. even though I got an A+ on the final. The work I can actually complete and submit on time is always A quality work. The problem is completing the assignments in the time I’m given, with absolutely no help managing my adhd (other than adderall…which helps, but only to a certain extent… it’s like it helps quiet all the buzzing and takes me out of the fog of everything going on around me…. it’s hard to explain…but yeah). This wouldn’t be an issue if I hadn’t been told time and time again by the stupid fucking “center for students with disabilities” that I would get the support I need, especially extended time and advocacy with professors, blah blahblhaahh


But none of that matters.

Because I got no help.

No matter how many times I asked

No matter how many ways I asked

No matter how many meetings I had or how many directors or presidents or whoever I talked to.

And I couldn’t seem to do it on my own.

At least not well enough.

It would’ve been nice if I had known about this GPA requirement BEFORE I reached the five billionth year of my bachelor’s degree

I would have sacrificed my health to get the grades I needed

I would be a fucking wreck but at least I’d get into grad school

And to think…I wanted to go to u of Chicago. One of the highest ranked, and most challenging, schools in terms of social work masters programs.

That’s never gonna happen.

No matter what I do I cant get my gpa to where it needs to be without re-taking dozens of classes…and I don’t have the money to fund another 2, 3, 4 years of undergrad…ESPECIALLY AT DEPAUL


I don’t know what else to do

I really just want to give up

I don’t see the point in trying anymore

What the fuck am I going to do with a fucking bachelor’s in psychology if I can’t go any farther than that?!


I can do NOTHING

I can work at fucking Starbucks for the rest of my fucking pathetic life..

I’m done putting myself through hell for something that is never going to get me any farther than I am right now.

Unless I stumble upon hundreds of thousands of dollars to spend on tuition, there’s really nothing I can do.


I feel like the entire world is crashing down on my head as I type this

I feel like a fucking idiot for not knowing any of this shit ahead of time

I’m furious that no one breaks this shit down at the beginning of undergrad. Like, “hey, so if you don’t have a 3.5 when you graduate…. you’re probably never getting into any grad school anywhere ever”


i need to decompress and figure out where the fuck to go from here.

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as the waves were high…

all that you love
will be carried away

i jinxed myself by thinking i had my bipolar under control
and by saying i had my mania under control

i should’ve known better than that

i’m stuck in this rut
so I’m self-medicating to ease the pain
every second
of everyday

but theres more to the picture than meets the eye

i slept most of the day yesterday
in doing so, i had a series of elaborate dreams

woke up thinking they were real
picked up my phone to make a call and remembered they weren’t real
remembered I’m not happy
remembered i’m losing my fucking mind
remembered I’m barely managing to get through the day

remembered that just a week ago i was fine
remembered that everything just fell apart

what am i doing?
why can’t i just be ok?

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Confetti [angry drunk poetry]

you say now you’ll show me..

you WANT to show me..

the “real” you.

i met you in 2004.

almost 8 years

8 fuckin years

and you never thought to show me the “real” you?

not even once during those 8 years did that occur to you?

what would make you think that after all that has happened

after all the shit i put up with

all the times i stood up for you

all the things ive done for you &time ive wasted

trying to help someone who didn’t give a shit

being the one who stuck with you

no matter how many times you stabbed me in the back

no matter how much bullshit i endured and tolerated

for what?

for someone who was living a lie the whole time?



i’m done.


and moving the fuck on.

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last week i was floating in the dead sea…now im drowning in my anger

just got back from israel.
found out i lost my scholarship. well.. its not GONE its just “suspended”
which is bullshit
having a job to pay (for) bills/rent/tuition/student loans/textbooks/etc. makes it a lot harder to maintain random ass eligibility requirements (unless you NEVER have to sleep at all, in which case it is slightly less difficult but still extremely challenging). suspending financial aid/scholarship funds increases the amount of money that a student needs to come up with in order to pay for school. chances are, this would require the student to (a) work more hours per week, (b) pick up a second job, (c) participate in various illegal activities for additional income, (d) waste time [that could be spent studying] searching for other sources of financial aid, (e) lose motivation and feel like just giving up, or (f) some combination of any/all of the above options. most (if not all) of these things are likely to result in a decline in the student’s performance in school, which was the inital problem that lead to the financial aid suspension.. so in actuality, this policy creates a cycle that makes it harder and harder for the student to be able to succeed, even if the student is capable of being successful in school and simply had a few rough quarters along the way.

im pissed, to say the least.
i work my ass off in school and in every other aspect of my life.. and this shit has got me to the point where i dont even see the point anymore.
the worst part is i actually was feeling really good about this quarter cuz so far all my classes seem pretty interesting and i actually like all my professors.

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i hate you for turning me into the vengeful monster i have become

theres a fuckin reason why i dont trust people. and that reason is a person who does not know what the fuck is coming for them. i swear to fucking god i will not stop until i break you down like you broke me down. get a credit card in my name and fuck up my car. i dare you. do it if u dont value your fuckin life. cuz im done with your bullshit. i will not back down to you this time. you wanna fight? well fuck it, alright. im down to fight. you dont scare me anymore. you’re pathetic. you’re weak and insecure and think you can change that by abusing, who else, me. you selfish ass. i put up with your bullshit for so many years crying so many tears but now dont you see that shit just aint me. i will not let you show up out of the fucking blue and think you can pick up where you left off when i was controlled and manipulated everyday by you. i was that girl, the one who would sit there and tollerate your bitch ass. but in time, things change, you know? and in case you didnt know, im done with that act. being controlled by you, well, i have had quite enough of that. so try to provoke me and try to make me hate myself for what YOU do. i wanna see the look on your face when you hit me and i fight back like hell. i want to see you squirm in pain as i put my cigarette out on your skin, like when you burned my back with that cigarette lighter while i was passed out in the passenger seat of MY car after you had beaten my ass so bad i was vomiting and coughing up blood for 3 hours before i lost consciousness. remember when you whipped me with your belt? and then wrapped it around my neck while i tried to pull myself to my feet with the little remaining strength i tried to hold onto, trying to stay conscious cuz i knew if i didn’t i’d be dead right now. clingling to life as you laughed in my face and then went on with your day like nothing had happened.
you say you dont remember
but i do
and i know you do too
and i know you know im past my breaking point
but what you dont know is that if you fuck with me again, you WILL pay for everything you did to me
i hate you more than i ever hated myself
and im going to enjoy your pain more than a sadist enjoys torturing a victim
im going to make you beg me for your life
and then i am going to take it and dangle it in your face
before i walk away
like you did to me

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Worst Day of the Year


I walk down the cold stairs.

Wishing that it were just any old day.

I see the signs my mom made,

For my little sister.

My sister who hasn’t been hurt,

At least not like I have.

Everyone’s smiling.

“Happy Val—”

No. Don’t even say it. Shut up. Leave me alone.

I walk through the kitchen, pretend to take my Zoloft, and then leave.


I walk, in the rain.

Ipod blasting angry songs into my aching ears.

Raindrops cover my face, hiding my tears.

I get to school and my dread was confirmed,

This is the worst day of the year.


Everyone cheerful

Smiling and laughing

Hugging and kissing

Cuddling and grasping

Love fills the air, but my heart’s filler with hate

I walk around by myself

All my friends with their mates

Look over my shoulder, and I see my ex-boyfriend

Wearing the hat I gave him, holding some other girl’s hand

I roll my eyes when he sees me, I pretend not to care

But lord knows I was wishing,

It was me over there.


The worst day of the year

Cursed with bad luck.

A day of tear and pain,

In the midst of all this lovey-dovey stuff

I hate it, I hate it

With all of my heart

I’m jealous, I admit it

Wishing I could take part


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Not Me

I’m sick of being this







fucked up



insomniac BITCH

People just can’t seem to understand me

They never really will

Because i’m just that sick and


Who could forget it?

Or better yet,

Prevent it?

Fix me

Break me and put me back together

Cut me open and rearrange me

Make me.



Not me.

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venting… [white noise]

thats an understatement
fighting yelling screaming…

from another state

you try to tell me how to live
and claim you taught me how to love
but i think you really taught me how to hate

i really need a fucking vacation from you
need an eternal break
when i do something for myself
you blow my phone up just to try to say
whatever it is that you think will send me over the edge

why do i even bother trying to relax?
you always seem to ruin it
im across the country and somehow you still find a way to get to me
saying i should come home early
because who knows what i could be out here doing
but the thing is
i dont need your approval and i sure as hell dont seek it
im not your girl
not your bitch
not the fucking mother of your baby
why dont you stop harassing me and
get that fucking slut in check

oh wait thats why you do this
cuz you feel safe if youre arguing with me
because i used to be the one who was there no matter what and put up with all your bullshit and let you walk all over me
you think you can still do this shit and think that you wont lose me?
that’s where you’ll find that youre mistaken
cuz to me,
all you are is history

i need a motherfucking change
god damn i fucking hate you
and how i let you torture me
manipulating me for years but i tell ya boy that chapter’s finally closed and i just need to put it past me
and walk away
but somehow you still find ways to piss me off enough to send me through the roof and back
i hate how i let you push me into this neverending rage
i just wanna get away
just wanna find some escape
you think you can manipulate me
think you still know everything that goes on in my head
stop trying to control me boy
your not my fucking man
shit youre not even a man
still a child its insane
thought you woulda grown up at least a little bit and stopped with all the games
so get the hell out of my face
go somewhere else with all that noise
just leave me the hell alone
cuz youre no longer in my life.
its time i finally tune you out completely
now youre voice is nothing but white noise

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why hello rage, oh how i’ve missed you so…

i wrote this in may2009…. i had hit my rock-bottom and was beginning the process of getting back on my feet. i still had a lot of anger at that point (obviously), but at the same time i was working my ass off to find out what was really causing all of the insanity in my life and the extreme emotions that i was experiencing on a day to day basis.


this is my attempt to control my anger.
i can either get it all out or hold it in longer and then go psychobitch on someone.
cuz im so pissed right now that i can barely breathe. and my heart is beating harder and faster than i would have imagined possible. i want to say these things out loud, but i know that the person i need to say them to will not listen unless i stay “calm,” which isn’t possible when i have emotions this strong. thoughts and feelings that i have held back for years and years. scared that they didn’t make sense to anyone else. and scared that i would spend so much energy and time on putting words to something that would be shot down within 2 seconds, or that i just wouldn’t be heard. who knows, maybe you will stumble upon this one day. or maybe one day you will be open to hearing me actually say it. if i can even put it to words..

well..here goes i guess..its gonna be choppy, but keep in mind this is about 18 years worth of anger and pain and frustration that i’m trying to translate into words rather than just the jumble of thoughts and conclusions swirling around in my head..

i fucking HATE hypocrites. i hate when people deny things that they know are true. how am i supposed to trust you and believe that you care about me if you deny ever yelling at me or swearing at me? you want specific examples. um hmm lets see does THIS MORNING ring a bell?!
i hate when people jump to conclusions. i hate when people assume they know everything. here’s a wake up call. YOU DO NOT FUCKING KNOW SHIT ABOUT ME.

maybe if you actually listened for once you would know a little. yeah you know facts and things about my life but you do not know ME. who i am as a person. what makes me smile. because if you did and if you meant everything you say, then we would not be in the predicament would we? NEWS FLASH! i never STOPPED trying to find the right kind of support for my situation, even after being told that someone would find something that was a better fit for me and then call me and keep me updated, when in reality what happened was they called my mentor and told her that it just wasn’t a good fit. i haven’t heard from anyone about any of it [besides my mentor] since i went to that meeting. and its been what? a month and a half? almost two months now? so much for calling me in a couple of days. but i didn’t give up. i still haven’t stopped looking. so how dare u fucking say the shit you said to me today? talking to me as if i was just another stupid little girl who didn’t know anything and who was letting everyone control her. BITCH PLEASE IM STRONGER THAN IVE EVER BEEN IM DETERMINED TO MAKE MY LIFE BETTER IM DETERMINED TO DO SOMETHING WITH MY LIFE IM DETERMINED TO HELP PEOPLE WITH WHAT I HAVE LEARNED THROUGH MY OWN MISTAKES AND EXPERIENCES. SO DONT EVEN FUCKING THINK ABOUT SAYING SOME SHIT LIKE THAT TO ME.
you see me as weak for the mistakes i have made. but guess what? at least i can learn something from them. at least i’m trying to change and not just SAYING that i’m trying to change. for such a long time i have been working on controling my anger. im not going to lie and say that im great at it, because im still working on it. but at least i don’t blow it off and ignore how much it hurts people and then all of a sudden “try” to “change” when someone different is upset by it. i can’t even express to you how much it hurts that no matter what i did or how much it bothered me i could never get you to even consider changing.
just because our responses to your anger were different does not mean that i deserved it any more than any other person. my reaction after a while was in self-defense. i had to get angry too. i had to show you how shitty it felt to be sworn at every two seconds. i had to show you how shitty it felt to have someone screaming at you and giving you the impression that everything is your fault. i felt as though i had tried everything else and that this was my only other hope in showing you how much you were hurting me and how much of an affect these things had on me. unfortunately, it did not work out as i planned. you still didn’t understand. but i became so accustomed to anger and felt so much safer with anger as my “armor” from the world, that i carried it with me for years. if anything negative even came my way it was as if a switch were flipped in my head. *click* RAGE. part of me hated living like that, but i was so confused about what was “normal” or what was “right” and what wasn’t alright. all the lines of what is acceptable started to get fuzzy. my head was filled with conflicting, spinning, racing thoughts. i made myself dizzy and more confused every time i tried to figure it all out. so eventually i just gave in. this is normal. anger is normal. yelling is normal. this is what people do. even to those that they care about and love. [[can you even imagine how it felt to see that when someone else was bothered by your swearing and yelling, even though it wasn’t directed at her, you began to change for her. can you even fathom how much it hurt to see you make an effort to not even swear around her, but still yelling and swearing at me as if i wasn’t good enough for your new “changes.” and i know if you were to read this you would get angry right now. but stop and just listen to what im saying for once. I’M NOT DISCREDITING YOU FOR THE WORK YOU DID TO CHANGE, AND I AM ACKNOWLEDGING THAT YOU HAVE MADE A LOT OF PROGRESS WITH YOUR ANGER, EVEN TOWARDS ME, BUT THE POINT IM TRYING TO GET ACROSS IS THAT ITS NOT ALRIGHT FOR YOU TO YELL AND SWEAR AT ME WHENEVER YOU WANT BUT THEN GET MAD WHEN I ACCIDENTALLY SWEAR IN FRONT OF HER. AND THEN WHAT DO YOU DO? YOU YELL AT ME! CAN YOU EXPLAIN TO ME WHAT KIND OF SENSE THAT MAKES?! CUZ TO ME THAT JUST SEEMS HYPOCRITICAL. I APPRECIATE THE CHANGES THAT YOU HAVE MADE IT JUST FRUSTRATES AND HURTS ME THAT I TRIED FOR YEARS TO GET YOU TO CHANGE, I DID EVERYTHING I COULD THINK OF. AND THEN I LEAVE FOR NINE AND A HALF MONTHS AND COME BACK AND U FINALLY DECIDED TO MAKE A CHANGE, BUT NOT BECAUSE YOU REALIZED THAT YOU WERE HURTING PEOPLE AROUND YOU AND THAT ITS NOT FAIR TO THOSE WHO YOU TAKE YOUR ANGER OUT ON, BUT BECAUSE HER ANXIETY MADE HER VERY SENSITIVE TO YELLING AND SWEARING.

but that’s not my main focus in what im trying to put to words here. i’ve talked to you about that before. many many times. but you never want to listen, because it is hard for me to talk to you about it after holding in that anger for so long…there is a lot that you have done or said to me that still hurts me to this day that i don’t bring up because i don’t feel that you would listen, let alone care about what i was saying.
[[but anyways, moving on]]
did it ever occur to you that maybe i was susceptible to certain things because of what i grew up around? yelling and swearing were just another part of my daily life. to me? that was normal. that was how people treated you when the “loved” and cared about you.
who knows, maybe you actually forgot all of the shit i went through because of you. maybe you just don’t want to accept that there is more than one person who hurt me [a lot] throughout my life. i don’t expect you to ever accept that you have had an effect on how i turned out. i turn to anger because i thought that was what i was supposed to do. not only was it “safer” but i figured it must be helpful in some way. i mean, you’re very successful, so if i conduct myself in the same way that you did around me all of my life, maybe i could be successful too?

now don’t get me wrong i am not BLAMING anyone. i am aware that i made my own choices and that no one is responsible for my actions and decisions but me. however what i am saying is that you DID have a big effect on the way i behave/behaved throughout my life. maybe effect isn’t the best word…i guess its more accurate to say that you have “significantly influenced” my behaviors and choices since i was a little girl. i just took things to a different level i guess. the traits i picked up from you presented themselves differently in me, but when i look back and think about how the hell i ended up here, i can see.. i learned at a very young age that anger was the answer. swearing makes you feel better. yelling helps you calm down. i’m sure you did not intend to teach me these things. i do not believe that you even were aware that this is what i was “learning” from so much of my childhood “environment.” i estimate that for about 97% of my life, my primary emotion was anger. can you imagine how surprised i was when in anger management i was told that it wasn’t even an emotion, that it was a secondary emotion? i did not want to believe that there was something behind my anger. “oh. no this can’t be me they’re talking about” i thought, “i’m just an angry person. that’s just how i was born.” throughout the nine and a half months that i spent in utah, focusing on my “issues” and what was behind them, i realized how much hurt i was holding in.
apparently young ally didn’t like being yelled at all the time. and the anger was an attempt to block out any hurt. i guess i had always known that, but i never realized how extreme it was in my case. i literally felt NOTHING but anger and rage and frustration. hell, i was even diagnosed as a rage-o-holic. though that “diagnosis” was not a technical or official one, it was the only way to even come close to describing the toxic levels of this secondary emotion. a poison that lingered in each and every cell in my body, contaminating my blood while forcing its way to my heart. pumped through each and every vein and vessel from head to toe, this parasite left my heart covered in countless scars.

soon those scars fuzed together, mutating my heart into one made of stone.

because that was the only way that i had known to protect myself.

protect myself from dangers unknown.

my perception on reality was skewed by my anger. once i realized that not everyone was angry all the time, the first thing i hoped for was that YOU would be able to overcome YOUR anger issues. it scared me to think that i might not have my anger to protect me anymore. i might actually have to FEEL the hurt that was caused by the constant yelling in my childhood and adolescence. and what if i changed but you never did? would you continue to take your anger out on me? would you continue to scream and swear at me as if i was nothing? because without my anger as a shield, that is what i felt. worthless. nothing. nada. a piece of shit. a mistake. the problem child. everything was MY fault. logically i knew that all of those things were not true, but emotionally and psychologically, they made sense. why else would someone be talking to me like this?

after digging deeper into the hurt and pain behind all of my anger, i realized that i was more comfortable around people who were as angry as me.. or actually… people who were as angry as you. i didn’t trust someone if they were able to control their anger. in my head, they were fake. so is it really that much of a surprise that i, with my own anger, hurt, and doubts of myself, could get caught up in the games and manipulation? is it a surprise that even though things started out great, i was more comfortable when things started to go wrong and the anger that i saw in myself and in those who had a big influence on my life, started to come from a person who was supportive of me through all of my insanity?

i have developed HUGE trust issues throughout my life, but along with them came a desire to hold on to some of the people that hurt me the most. who else would stick with me through all the CRAZYNESS? i realize now that that is not logical, but it doesn’t make it any easier to let go of someone who helped me though a lot of my issues, even though they hurt me so much. i DO have a lot of anger towards them. and i DO have a lot of anger towards you. and it FRUSTRATES me that you try and put all the focus on ONE PERSON who hurt me, when in fact, you yourself hurt me a lot too. it may not have been in the same ways, but i hope that one day you will understand what i am trying to get across to you.
the way you talked to me and treated me and tried to keep me “under control” was NOT ALRIGHT. there are issues that have stemmed from that that i am still not able to address or even put words to.

i just hope that one day you can begin to understand. i’m not looking for an apology. i just want you to accept that you were a big influence in my life, for the good and the bad.
i know this is focused on the negative but these are just things that i need to get off of my chest. things i can’t say to you. things i wish i could say to you. things that have taken me YEARS to put words to.
to this day i still feel as though i have disappointed you and as though i still am the “difficult” one.

when all is said and done, maybe that is really my biggest fear..

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have you ever wanted to DESTROY something BEAUTIFUL?

I wrote this last summer when I was basically at my ultimate rock bottom…lots of anger and irrationality, but writing was the one thing that kept me from giving up. Instead of feeding into my anger and letting it grow, I wrote tons and tons of these rants. I honestly think that if I hadn’t done that, I would have never been able to get back on my feet.


and utterly
in my entire life.

this is a fucking load of CRAP.
apparently, asking for support when i am upset, or even just keeping my family updated on the status of my physical symptoms [[which have yet to be connected to a specific illness, disorder, or other identifiable health issue]] and my emotional well-being [[or lack thereof]], makes everything else that i do independently completely void.
makes sense…if you don’t have a functional brain.
people who do have brains, however, [[like me]] can see that this is the most nonsense claim that has ever been uttered from the lips of someone so intelligent and knowledgeable as the person who’s four page letter i am currently scribbling responses all over in big RED letters.
i want to scream at this person. “you think you’re furious?! how the fuck do you think i’m feeling right now?!” but i cant.
in about 45 minutes i will have completed the process of turning off my emotions and adapting my “fuck the world and everyone in it” attitude.
it sucks, but its either that or go to jail for my reactions to the things that were just said to me.

i hope you read this. you know who you are. i wouldn’t have expected you of all people to tell me this shit. i’m not being independent because i know when i need help?! what kind of sense does that make?! would you rather me just stop functioning so that i cannot do anything to help and support myself? or would you rather me just leave. i think its the second one. yes. that’s it. you know, you could have just said you don’t want me to live here.
guess i’ll start packing.

next time you want to lose a daughter? i recommend that you just say it. rather than try and make her feel guilty with a note in which you insult her intelligence, integrity, values, willpower, sanity, and basically EVERYTHING.

did you even realize what you were saying? did you think twice before you handed me this? did you honestly think that telling me to not react or respond yet and to think about it would stop me from being this FURIOUS and from saying what i have to say? NO. i’m not gonna sit back and wait til i get so upset that i try to block all of this out of my mind and FORGET why i was upset, twisting things so that I’M the one to blame?


ok i just lost my train of thought. fuck. my. life.
but i think its great that someone who “loves” me is all of a sudden taking away my chance at doing something with my life.
what a waste. i would’ve been a damn good therapist some day. one who could be living proof that shit does get better and recovery IS actually possible. and in the process of learning all the knowledge that i could possible absorb in order to be the best therapist i could possible be, i’m SURE that i would have actually discovered an effective way to control my own anger.

whatever. i dont need you.
i dont need anyone.

peace the fuck out. when i leave tomorrow u will never see me again.

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