Tag Archives: violence

the rageaholic returns.

sometimes my anger frightens even me.
i havent felt like myself lately.
the only thing that seems to make me feel like me is allowing myself to release the boiling rage that appears out of nowhere for no reason at all.
my hand is swollen from punching a brick wall. my car has a fresh dent from where i kicked it this morning when it wouldn’t start the first 3 times i tried.
sometimes i just want to scream at people for absolutely no reason and tell them to fuck off.
my anger crept back up on me like a fucking boa constrictor wrapping itself around my neck.
all i want is to be able to relax for one day. without being pissed off about nothing. i want to be able to sleep for one night and actually feel rested when i wake up.
everyday, i have to focus all my energy on fighting my rage and the negativity that comes with it. it would be really nice to get a break. even if its just for one day. even if its just a few hours.
its exhausting
and honestly, what scares me most, is that i’m not sure how much longer i’ll be able to keep up this charade.
i wonder how many people already see past the smile, plastered on my face.

Tagged , , , , ,

i hate you for turning me into the vengeful monster i have become

theres a fuckin reason why i dont trust people. and that reason is a person who does not know what the fuck is coming for them. i swear to fucking god i will not stop until i break you down like you broke me down. get a credit card in my name and fuck up my car. i dare you. do it if u dont value your fuckin life. cuz im done with your bullshit. i will not back down to you this time. you wanna fight? well fuck it, alright. im down to fight. you dont scare me anymore. you’re pathetic. you’re weak and insecure and think you can change that by abusing, who else, me. you selfish ass. i put up with your bullshit for so many years crying so many tears but now dont you see that shit just aint me. i will not let you show up out of the fucking blue and think you can pick up where you left off when i was controlled and manipulated everyday by you. i was that girl, the one who would sit there and tollerate your bitch ass. but in time, things change, you know? and in case you didnt know, im done with that act. being controlled by you, well, i have had quite enough of that. so try to provoke me and try to make me hate myself for what YOU do. i wanna see the look on your face when you hit me and i fight back like hell. i want to see you squirm in pain as i put my cigarette out on your skin, like when you burned my back with that cigarette lighter while i was passed out in the passenger seat of MY car after you had beaten my ass so bad i was vomiting and coughing up blood for 3 hours before i lost consciousness. remember when you whipped me with your belt? and then wrapped it around my neck while i tried to pull myself to my feet with the little remaining strength i tried to hold onto, trying to stay conscious cuz i knew if i didn’t i’d be dead right now. clingling to life as you laughed in my face and then went on with your day like nothing had happened.
you say you dont remember
but i do
and i know you do too
and i know you know im past my breaking point
but what you dont know is that if you fuck with me again, you WILL pay for everything you did to me
i hate you more than i ever hated myself
and im going to enjoy your pain more than a sadist enjoys torturing a victim
im going to make you beg me for your life
and then i am going to take it and dangle it in your face
before i walk away
like you did to me

Tagged , , , , , , , ,