Tag Archives: trust

i hate you for turning me into the vengeful monster i have become


theres a fuckin reason why i dont trust people. and that reason is a person who does not know what the fuck is coming for them. i swear to fucking god i will not stop until i break you down like you broke me down. get a credit card in my name and fuck up my car. i dare you. do it if u dont value your fuckin life. cuz im done with your bullshit. i will not back down to you this time. you wanna fight? well fuck it, alright. im down to fight. you dont scare me anymore. you’re pathetic. you’re weak and insecure and think you can change that by abusing, who else, me. you selfish ass. i put up with your bullshit for so many years crying so many tears but now dont you see that shit just aint me. i will not let you show up out of the fucking blue and think you can pick up where you left off when i was controlled and manipulated everyday by you. i was that girl, the one who would sit there and tollerate your bitch ass. but in time, things change, you know? and in case you didnt know, im done with that act. being controlled by you, well, i have had quite enough of that. so try to provoke me and try to make me hate myself for what YOU do. i wanna see the look on your face when you hit me and i fight back like hell. i want to see you squirm in pain as i put my cigarette out on your skin, like when you burned my back with that cigarette lighter while i was passed out in the passenger seat of MY car after you had beaten my ass so bad i was vomiting and coughing up blood for 3 hours before i lost consciousness. remember when you whipped me with your belt? and then wrapped it around my neck while i tried to pull myself to my feet with the little remaining strength i tried to hold onto, trying to stay conscious cuz i knew if i didn’t i’d be dead right now. clingling to life as you laughed in my face and then went on with your day like nothing had happened.
you say you dont remember
but i do
and i know you do too
and i know you know im past my breaking point
but what you dont know is that if you fuck with me again, you WILL pay for everything you did to me
i hate you more than i ever hated myself
and im going to enjoy your pain more than a sadist enjoys torturing a victim
im going to make you beg me for your life
and then i am going to take it and dangle it in your face
before i walk away
like you did to me

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no fear no regret


this is probably really choppy and probably doesnt make much sense…(due to the fact that i was dosing off as i was writing it..)

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i swear i dont know what it is

what you do

is it your smile your eyes

the chills i get racing down my spine at the softest touch

as your skin grazes against mine

is it the way you talk or what you say

the butterflies in the pit of my stomach

the ones that only seem to come around when you pass my way…

with you i feel,

invincible.

this fire it burns inside me begging pleading desperate to be released and then i feel your hand as it brushes over my skin

the slightest touch the softest whisper

the spark that lights the match that lights up a whole new world

see things in a whole new light

the fire of our mutual desire

burning through the pain of the past and the fears that it left

the walls i took so long to build to block out the world as if being alone would forever protect me,

those walls falling to ashes in front of my face

and i sit there and watch

i watch years of pushing people away and fencing myself in

years of forbidding myself to care or to let anyone care about

me

i watch myself let go of those years of isolation..i watch myself push them away and allow the fire to devour all these unneeded precautions

all the excuses up in flames

my shield my protection really more like a prison..

i watch as the gates open and the walls collapse

bricks crumbling as if my withdrawal from the world and this fort that i built was

nothing more than a child’s sandcastle,

being washed away by the rising tide.

i dont know how this happened

how i got here

but one thing i do know

the one lesson i though i could never learn

i can live

and i can trust.

who could have guessed that i could possibly live this kind of life.

from the girl who claimed “trust isn’t in my vocabulary”

to a woman simply deciding to live her life.

life with no fear life with no regrets.

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