Welcome back to hell.
Welcome back to hell.
even though every fiber of my being wants to just say FUCK IT and be done
but i wont
so im starting over
Starting detox and weight loss program tomorrow
No booze after monday
Finish Harley Quinn costume by October 15
-20 lbs by Halloween
Bachelors degree and
-40 lbs (or more) by Thanksgiving
-56lbs (or more) by Xmas
Quit smoking by New Years
New job by April 2016
Car by July 2016
She gave in
But not enough
Her skin is burning
The room spins
She caves again
Slit Slit Slit Slit. …. Oh shit
Drop the razor grab the gauze
the bloods too fast to let it clot
Keep your eyes open. Don’t move your hand.
Straight through the skin and into the fat—-yes that is yellow, you didn’t just imagine that
For 7 years
7 bruises on your fists 7 days of psych ward shit 7 cuts 7 fears
And 7 wads of blood soaked gauze coat the bathroom
…just in case you forgot.
i’ve come to the conclusion that i am a pathetic waste of space
not really sure why i try anymore
but i do
every fucking day
and i get through the day with that stupid fucking phrase
one day at a fucking time
honestly i’m just fucking sick of this shit
yes, it was the end of the world.
the end of my world.
or more accurately…it was the end of my world as i knew it.
but it was not the end of all worlds.
the universe didn’t come crashing down. the sun is still up there in the sky.
i just have to build and newer, better, stronger world now.
a world to replace the one you shattered.
so don’t worry about me
my world may be under construction,
but i’ve got it under control
i dont know where to go from here
my worst relapse in over 7 years
why is this the only thing that can keep me calm?
the only reason im not in a ball on the floor sobbing all fucking day
red used to be my favorite color
this is why you don’t wait
this is why you don’t care
this is why i’m giving up
giving up on love
no more clinging to something that was never ever there
you broke me
and i can’t even be mad because i know you didnt mean to. i know you’d never hurt me intentionally. and that’s more than i deserve. you’ve always been more than i’ve ever deserved. i guess my luck just ran out.
so i’m broken again
but this time i’m not going to bother picking up the pieces
leave them shattered on the floor as a reminder of a time when i thought i could have more
I really want to be ok….I’m just not.
And I haven’t figured out how to change that yet…so I say I am….because it’s easier that way.
I lie because I simply don’t know what else I can say.
maybe one day
not the one
not anymore anyway
no longer your burden