Pheonix Rising

Welcome back to hell.

Population? me.

starting over

again

even though every fiber of my being wants to just say FUCK IT and be done

but i wont

i cant

so im starting over

yet again

Life Detox

Starting detox and weight loss program tomorrow

No booze after monday

Finish Harley Quinn costume by October 15
-20 lbs by Halloween
Bachelors degree and
-40 lbs (or more) by Thanksgiving
-56lbs (or more) by Xmas
Quit smoking by New Years
New job by April 2016
Car by July 2016

Lonely Waiting Room (in progress)

She gave in
Scratch scratch
But not enough
Scratch scratch
Frantic
Searching
Scratch scratch
Her skin is burning
Cut
Slit
Dripping
Dripping
Oh shit
Dripping
Dripping
The room spins
Drip drip
She caves again
Slit Slit Slit Slit. …. Oh shit
Drop the razor grab the gauze
the bloods too fast to let it clot
Keep your eyes open. Don’t move your hand.
Straight through the skin and into the fat—-yes that is yellow, you didn’t just imagine that

7 stitches
For 7 years
7 bruises on your fists 7 days of psych ward shit 7 cuts 7 fears
And 7 wads of blood soaked gauze coat the bathroom
…just in case you forgot.

one day at a fucking time

i’ve come to the conclusion that i am a pathetic waste of space

not really sure why i try anymore

but i do

somehow

every fucking day

and i get through the day with that stupid fucking phrase

one day at a fucking time

honestly i’m just fucking sick of this shit

under construction

yes, it was the end of the world.

the end of my world.

or more accurately…it was the end of my world as i knew it.

but it was not the end of all worlds.

the universe didn’t come crashing down. the sun is still up there in the sky.

i just have to build and newer, better, stronger world now.

a world to replace the one you shattered. 

so don’t worry about me

my world may be under construction,

but i’ve got it under control

starting over

i dont know where to go from here

my worst relapse in over 7 years

why is this the only thing that can keep me calm?

the only reason im not in a ball on the floor sobbing all fucking day

red used to be my favorite color

never even there

this is why you don’t wait

this is why you don’t care

this is why i’m giving up

giving up on love

no more clinging to something that was never ever there

---

you broke me

and i can’t even be mad because i know you didnt mean to. i know you’d never hurt me intentionally. and that’s more than i deserve. you’ve always been more than i’ve ever deserved. i guess my luck just ran out.

so i’m broken again

but this time i’m not going to bother picking up the pieces

leave them shattered on the floor as a reminder of a time when i thought i could have more

How are you?

I really want to be ok….I’m just not.
And I haven’t figured out how to change that yet…so I say I am….because it’s easier that way.
I lie because I simply don’t know what else I can say.

maybe one day

who am i

i am

drunk

sad

unloved

broken

crazy

fading away

not strong

not the one

not anymore anyway

no longer your burden