Tag Archives: stubborn

Sobriety


No more drugs.
No more than 4 drinks a week.
Im stubborn and I have to prove him wrong.
…..but in the back of my mind, Sobriety Sucks.

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I FINALLY HAD ONE GOOD NIGHT OF SLEEP


i finally had ONE FULL NIGHT of decent sleep thanks to an amazing friend who distracted me and helped me relax enough to fall asleep.

the first few hours were the same as every other night recently, but it was helpful to have someone there to calm me down when i woke up terrified and out of breath, with my heart racing like i was binging on coke and speed. when i finally fell back to sleep i was able get almost 8 hours of sleep with no crazy dreams (at least none that i remembered when i woke up).

since then, the dreams have started getting a little better.

maybe all i needed was to stop trying to handle everything on my own and reach out for help from people who care about me. asking for help has never been an easy thing for me, especially because im incredibly stubborn and i feel like i should do everything for myself. i’ve lived most of my life believing that asking for help was a form of weakness. if it was a friend asking ME for help, i never saw it that way. it was only “true” if it were ME asking for help. of course i knew this wasn’t rational at all, but it was just something that i believed for so long that its still had to let go of at times.

i’m lucky to have friends that tolerate my stubbornness and help me through shit like this, sometimes without even realizing what they’re doing at all.

i’m hoping that now that the dreams are getting a little better, i’ll be able to figure out what caused me to start having them in the first place.

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self-sabotage


is my specialty.

 

and to be honest, im fucking sick and tired of it.

even though i’ve been ready to break these patterns for a while now, i’m still not sure how exactly to go about doing so.

and i’ve worked and worked and fought and fought

used all my energy

put everything i had into it

yet somehow, i still end up falling back into the same cycle.

as soon as something starts to look up, BAM. here comes ally to fuck it all up for herself. because there’s still that little part of me that feels as though getting hurt or screwing up is inevitable. i convince myself i will get hurt one way or another and decide that i would rather have control over it.

its ridiculous andĀ illogicalĀ and i KNOW this

so why is it so hard to escape?

 

i will not give up

but i wish i knew a better way to do this

because sometimes i feel like im just not strong enough

and im tired of failing over and over again

but i guess all i can do for now is just stay stubborn and not just give in

 

“ALL OF OLD. NOTHING ELSE EVER. EVER TRIED. EVER FAILED. NO MATTER. TRY AGAIN. FAIL AGAIN. FAIL BETTER.”

SAMUEL BECKETT

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