Tag Archives: apology

as the waves were high…

all that you love
will be carried away

i jinxed myself by thinking i had my bipolar under control
and by saying i had my mania under control

i should’ve known better than that

i’m stuck in this rut
so I’m self-medicating to ease the pain
every second
of everyday

but theres more to the picture than meets the eye

i slept most of the day yesterday
in doing so, i had a series of elaborate dreams

woke up thinking they were real
picked up my phone to make a call and remembered they weren’t real
remembered I’m not happy
remembered i’m losing my fucking mind
remembered I’m barely managing to get through the day

remembered that just a week ago i was fine
remembered that everything just fell apart

what am i doing?
why can’t i just be ok?

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my apology

dear heart,

im sorry.

i promise to never trust anyone ever again.

im sorry i fell for him.

im sorry he doesnt even know.

im sorry i let myself be vulnerable, let you be vulnerable.

im sorry youve been broken so many times.

im sorry you are covered in scar tissue.

im sorry that i kept going back to the boy who repeatedly stabbed you and tore you apart, all for the fun of watching me fall apart time and time again.

im sorry for not realizing sooner that he was only a boy, when i needed a man.

im sorry that it took years to even begin to get past everything he put me through.

im sorry that i finally gave myself a chance to move on and trust again.

im sorry that that was a mistake.

im sorry that trusting people is always a mistake.

im sorry i thoguht i could have a chance.

im sorry i thought i could have a chance at love.

or something close to it.

something like it.

lust, like, love, crush, whatever it was, i thought maybe i could actually have it.

im sorry i fell for someone who didnt abuse me.

im sorry i fell for him and fell fast and hard.

im NOT sorry for finally ending things with an abusive sociopath.

im NOT sorry for telling him that i was done and i was moving on.

im sorry that it didnt last long.

im sorry i let down my guard.

im sorry there were sparks.

im sorry there was chemistry.

im sorry he understands me.

im sorry his smile gives me chills.

im sorry his touch sends shivers down my spine.

im sorry his eyes saw right through the fake smile on my face.

im sorry im not perfect.

im sorry he is.

im sorry for everything.

i promise, i will never ever trust again.



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