…really?

i was just lectured (in a letter sent from a medium/maximum security prison) about my drinking habits by a friend who’s notorious for getting into trouble and rarely being sober.

 

not quite sure how to respond..

cant sleep.

woke up from a night terror a little while ago…

somehow my sheets still smell like you..so i just lay there with my face in the mattress, trying to calm myself down. it helped at first…but its just not the same. i wanted to rest my head on your chest and feel your arms around me. but all i have here is a picture and the faint scent of you on these sheets..words cant express how much i miss you..you always say not to; but you know that no matter what, im going to. i know im being really selfish right now. i still havent figured out why its easier to get through some days than it is others. this is one of those other days. one of the days that i can think of nothing other than you and how much i miss you. one of the days that i just want to lay in bed and cry because i miss you so much it hurts. but i dont. i get up and do what i have to do. i go to class and i go to work and i try to not give in..

but anyway, after 20 or 30 minutes i’d calmed down a little…so of course my dumb ass decides its a good idea to watch the video for “yo side of the bed” by trey songz. i was already crying because of my dream and because of missing you so much. watching that video did not help at all. its been a while since ive cried this hard…i cant really see what im typing…i dont even know why im typing this…

some days i dont know how to push through. which is stupid. because i need to just deal with it and stop complaining. i just wish you were here..or i was there..or something…

i remember when i couldn’t fall asleep and you’d stay on the phone with me until i did…you make me feel safe. more than you could ever imagine.

im not really sure where im going with this

im not really sure why im writing it

all i know is i miss you and i love you

you’re my hero babe.

Star Wars Invades Famous Works of Art....and The Office

Reblogged from Geektroverted:

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Star Wars characters invade these famous works of art and a bonus picture of The Office reimagining the painting “A Sunday Afternoon”.

this just made my day.

i’m always right.

i’m always right. i thought i was wrong once, but i was mistaken.

Confetti [angry drunk poetry]

you say now you’ll show me..

you WANT to show me..

the “real” you.

i met you in 2004.

almost 8 years

8 fuckin years

and you never thought to show me the “real” you?

not even once during those 8 years did that occur to you?

what would make you think that after all that has happened

after all the shit i put up with

all the times i stood up for you

all the things ive done for you &time ive wasted

trying to help someone who didn’t give a shit

being the one who stuck with you

no matter how many times you stabbed me in the back

no matter how much bullshit i endured and tolerated

for what?

for someone who was living a lie the whole time?

FUCK THAT.

FUCK YOU.

i’m done.

gone.

and moving the fuck on.

the scars remind us…the past is real.

5 years, 1 month, 2 days.

never thought i’d get this far.

i’m a completely different person that i was back then. not just because i’ve grown up, but because i knew i had to commit to change.

i’m stronger than i ever thought i would be.

even when i don’t FEEL strong, i know i wouldn’t be here right now if i wasn’t.

i fought like hell to get my life back from my past. and i won.

it may never be easy, but i refuse to ever give up.

why does this bother me so much?

a friend of mine just moved.
it bothers me that i didnt get to say goodbye.
but the fact that i miss him bothers me more.
i dont know why.
it just does.

fuck rush limbaugh

conversation i had with my mother yesterday:

 

mom: i know how to raise your blood pressure with 2 words.

me: not sure how realistic that is, but you’re the scientist so go ahead and test your theory

mom: rush. limbaugh. 

me: fuck that ignorant sexist prick! its insane that people listen to the shit he says….[[within seconds i was ranting loud enough that the neighbors could hear.]]

it took over 2 hours for me to calm down. it takes a lot to get me that worked up. not only does my mother know me better than i had thought, but we’re a lot more alike than i would’ve ever imagined when i was growing up.

[[very rough draft]]

i miss the days when we’d talk on the phone for hours

the days when we’d send messages back and forth on facebook, pages long

back when you’d say you miss me too

i miss your voice i miss your smile i miss eveyrthing about you

i miss your jerkiness i miss your jokes i miss you making fun of me

i miss the way you look into my eyes

i miss your arms around me

and how when im with you nothing matters

i can let go of everything

i miss you so much it fuckin hurts

my stomach is in knots

but now there’s no one here to catch my tears so i hold them all inside

current mood: ajkgriuao;jeknuylgixesr567tkohjgcfxdsewy546ri7tioubhu edfsuyh… FUUUCK

got an A on my philosophy midterm that i thought i was going to fail. ive worked my ass off for months trying to get back on track and its finally starting to pay off. for the first time in a very long time i’m proud of the work im doing in school.

2 days later i found out i might have to take another leave of absence from school.

its really hard to not dwell on the negative shit right now. im really tired of the bullshit and im tired of the unnecessary stress.

a couple weeks ago i decided i wanted to start cutting back on my vices and actually try to be sober(ish) after i get back from unofficial (u of i’s “unofficial” st pattys day which has become an extravagant drinking holiday lol)…. but honestly im so disappointed and frustrated right now that sobriety seems COMPLETELY POINTLESS.

over the past month or so i’ve distanced my self from a lot of people. partially because i was trying to focus on school, partially because i was dealing with a lot of shit personally, and partially because it was easier to accept that i needed to end some “friendships” (which had become nothing but drama, chaos, and stress for everyone involved) with people i thought would always be part of my life. it all worked out pretty well except for me distancing myself from almost everyone i know. that shit backfired and fucked me over cuz now im trying to deal with this shit on my own instead of talking to people or going out and having fun to get my mind of the stress. instead im sitting here drowning in my over-analysis of EVERYTHING and getting lost in my head.

my attempt to stop over-analyzing shit has not worked out so far

in rehab they taught us to “reframe” our thoughts.

so in this case, i could focus on the fact that i’m AWARE of what i’m doing. i used to get stuck in my negativity and get lost in my head and deny that i was doing it. the fact that i know im falling back into my patterns and im trying to do something about it is progress in itself. so i could “reframe” my thoughts by taking pride in that and using that as a way to transition to more positive/solution-based thinking.

unfortunately, “reframing” works a lot better in rehab than it does in the real world. and i still feel like shit.

i tried dancing to cheer myself up, but i didn’t stretch before diving into the dance i’ve been choreographing the past couple weeks (which is a REALLY bad idea since its primarily ballet, modern, and jazz) and once it started to cheer me up and i got more into it, i fucked up my hamstring and am now sprawled out on the floor with a bottle of painkillers and a big ass bag of ice lol. FAIL.

at least i can laugh about it though. i guess im feeling a little better than i was when i started writing this.