Tag Archives: falling apart

as the waves were high…

all that you love
will be carried away

i jinxed myself by thinking i had my bipolar under control
and by saying i had my mania under control

i should’ve known better than that

i’m stuck in this rut
so I’m self-medicating to ease the pain
every second
of everyday

but theres more to the picture than meets the eye

i slept most of the day yesterday
in doing so, i had a series of elaborate dreams

woke up thinking they were real
picked up my phone to make a call and remembered they weren’t real
remembered I’m not happy
remembered i’m losing my fucking mind
remembered I’m barely managing to get through the day

remembered that just a week ago i was fine
remembered that everything just fell apart

what am i doing?
why can’t i just be ok?

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picking up the pieces….or trying to anyway

drank through my liquor budget for the next 2 months in the last 3 days.
still feel like total shit…but at least i stopped crying.
still don’t know what the fuck is going on…but at least i stopped crying. at least i can pretend I’m angry and not sad as shit. #PsychoBitchProblems #GoAheadAndJudgeMe #igaveupmyimagealongtimeago

no matter how much we paint the world lime green, there will always be judgement and stigma attached to mental health shit. do we really think we have the power to change that? i guess long-term its possible…but in our lifetimes? I’m not so sure anymore.
then again I’m not so sure of all that much anymore

trying to do what i love to feel better. instead of punching more walls. I’m not sure if my hand can take another high speed collision with a mass of bricks… but then again, maybe the swelling will act like a pillow for my fist….hmmmm. no. probably not. wishful thinking i guess?

I’ve choreographed and written more in the past week than i have in the past 6 months
who cares that every dance has cry breaks and every page has tear stains?
and 97% of the songs are sad as fuck
80% are not in english, so maybe no one will notice
not that anyone is ever going to see these dances or read those pages. but whatever.

I’m doing a GREAT fucking job of honoring Roddy’s memory. sobbing and then drunkenly sobbing clutching this necklace. classy. reeeeeeeal classy.
im a fucking mess

so, sorry
in advance or too late

Bubbie, Mamie, Roddy, Grandma Bettey, Nora, Norman, Aggie
i hope you haven’t given up on me just yet. ill get out of this rut and make you all proud again.
navigating the world without all of you isn’t easy, but ill figure it out. i promise.
i miss all of you. no matter how selfish that makes me.

Grandpa Arnold, i wish i could have met you. Dad doesn’t talk about you much, and when he does I can see how sad it makes him, so I try not to push it.

i guess thats all.
I’m trying to keep it together enough to fake it through the day. work and school work and school. just have to make it through the day. one day at a time.

cuando no es contigo


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