Tag Archives: bpd

it’s time.

i graduated from la europa academy in 2008. completed the program in april(ish…..i think).

when i came home i had 2 options:

a. therapy 2x/week and a transition program with a mentor i met with at least once every week

b. get completely cut off from my parents and support myself. [at this point i had no job, no car, no license, no money…i had nothing to my name. so this really wasn’t an option]

i started therapy with jackie. she worked at the outpatient program i’d gone to many times at alexian brothers. she was the one person there i really trusted and the only person who didn’t fall for my shit and who called me out on it [even the drs and caseworkers in the inpatient program bought into my act. i knew what to say and how and when to say it, so most people didn’t think twice about it]

i had also done group therapy with jackie before i left for la europa. because i already trusted her, we thought individual therapy would be easier for me because i wouldn’t have to do the whole “getting to know you” building trust bullshit.

it went smoothly until i got a job and my schedule was always changing. somehow it got to the point where i just stopped going altogether.

i still had the transition program, but i didn’t really put much effort into utilizing it. it was a little easier with my second mentor who i had a more natural connection with, but eventually—again, due to scheduling problems and my hardheadedness—my sessions with her ended as well.

i don’t remember exactly when our sessions stopped, but unless my timeline is off, I’m pretty sure its been over 2 years since my last therapy session.

granted, i do see my psychiatrist once every 3 months or so. but the sessions are mostly focused on adjusting meds or phasing out meds. sidenote: i’m currently at the lowest number of scripts I’ve been on since i was like….15 or 16–YAY—and its pretty balanced (even though i hate having to take anything other than my adderall…but thats another story entirely)

my parents have been trying to get me back in therapy for a while, and have proposed a few different places, but none of them seemed like a good fit for me, and i didnt want to waste the time and money trying to find one that worked out.

recently though, I’ve been thinking about this stuff A LOT.

and as much as i hate to admit it, i think i really do need to get back into some kind of structured therapy-esque thing.

its time.

now i just have to suffer through the whole therapist-search/trial and error shit that i hate so much…..and hopefully it will help me get my temper, my mood, and my life back on track.


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one day

one day i will learn to stop procrastinating.

i just hope its before i graduate or have to drop out of school.

here’s to the night

this would be easier if i wasn’t sober

or if i could switch up this manic bullshit and actually be productive and as invincible as i felt a couple hours ago… instead of trying to focus on finishing this damn paper when i have all this irritating restless energy and im trying incredibly hard to avoid spontaneous combustions of rage [as if i weren’t enough of an irritable bitch to begin with. hah. fuck you universe]


im getting sick of pretending im calm and collected when all i want to do is destroy shit





conversation i had in class this week!!YAYBITCHES

smug-idiot-person: [[after rambling for over 5 minutes about how screwed up people with bpd are and how its pointless to try to help them because they “aren’t worth saving”]] its simple. borderline is just a nice way of saying, this person is so fucking nuts that there is no way to put them in just one category. they’re psycotic and needy and they just want attention. thats all there is to the pathology. whiney needy attention whores who cant handle not being the world’s top priority.

me: way to fight the stigma *smh* soooo much confidence despite the fact that the whole point of the case study AND the dsm criteria clearly just went in one ear and out the other, not to mention casually overlooking the fact that they are human beings

smug-idiot-person: barely

me: oh really? so they’re differnet from you and that makes them less human?

smug-idiot-person: more or less

me: you do realize thats the same kind of thinking that leads to genocides, right?

smug-idiot-person: no need to get all preach-y, we’re not at church, ya know. all i said was borderlines are barely human because of how they act. theyre not like us. theyre not normal.

me: 1. im jewish. 2. fuck you. 3. normal is boring and also its total bullshit 4. you dont know me, don’t group me in with dumbfucks like you 5. would you even have the balls to say that kind of shit to their face?

smug-idiot-person [[staring like a fucking deer in headlights]]: uhhwhat?

me: CLEARLY not. but GUESS WHAT? ..you just met an alien from planet borderline.


and then i walked out of class. im honestly surprised that i didn’t completely go off on him and break his face, but somehow i maintained a relatively calm composure.

but yeah. thats the kind of week im having.

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