godfuckingdamnit

i have a migraine from yelling and crying all day tried to have soup for dinner. couldn’t keep it down.

my throat is burning, ive had a fever on and off all day…. I’m now falling apart physically, not just mentally.

Really regretting switching my birth control because my hormones are so crazy out of whack right now and I’m emotional enough as it is. damn you nuvaring, you were the best and then you went crazy on me so i had to leave you. no pill could ever replace you. RIP nuvaring.

shit. I’m talking to birth control.. wtf is wrong with me?

…anyway, i’d finally calmed down enough to try to go to sleep. wrote a ton before class and used up almost half my notebook. spotify was being cooperative…and then all of a sudden 5 in a row–songs i was not ready to hear.

sam smith. nina simone. adele. brian mcknight. and leona lewis. cue the waterworks. then (like an idiot) i saw a post that reminded me of a song I’ve been trying to avoid like the plague because i can’t…i just can’t.

emeli sande has one of the most beautiful voices I’ve ever heard and ever since i heard this damn song the first time on the radio it was just like ….BAM. emotion overload. part of it is how much emotion she expresses through her voice (even not paying attention to the lyrics)

this of course led me to listen to hurt by christina aguilera and an assortment of aaliyah songs (at this point i gave up on holding back the tears. my neighbors probably hate me. oh well–im tired of faking, i need to just let myself cry, get it out of my system so it doesn’t explode)

now hearing any of those songs just reminds me of how much of an idiot i am and how fucked up it is that i ALWAYS find a way to fuck shit up. intentional or not. conscious or not.

my head is throbbing and now i can’t stop listening to songs that are just making it worse….but I’m invested now. past the point of no return.

new goal: don’t freak out tomorrow until after 1:30pm. freaking out allowed for 15 minutes after work away from humans. bathroom, closet, wherever.

goal 2: no reapplying makeup 3 times. if crying is likely to occur within the following 3 hours, don’t waste the time or mascara (especially the fancy new mascara that is fucking awesome and makes my eyes happy)

on that note… I’m going to try to calm down enough to get a few hours sleep before work. wish me luck.

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