im a mess. a pathetic fucking mess.

its getting harder and harder to pretend I’m ok

because I’m not

im not ok at all

i can’t even get through a shift at work without crying

but i hate people i don’t know asking me whats wrong

there are 2 people i work with that i can talk to but whenever i try I’m crying so hard that you can’t understand anything I’m saying

i want to be manic so fucking bad to get a break from this sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach

my depression is very physical

my skin is crawling

my heart actually aches

my stomach is in knots

eating makes me sick not eating makes me sick

my body temperature is out of whack. one second I’m freezing the next I’m burning up

it the not knowing that hurts the most

its the fact that he won’t talk to me except to say random shit or when he’s really fucked up and then its like he’s rubbing it in my face

i keep telling myself its stupid to let someone have this much control over me. … but ever since i first met him i knew he was different. even through all the times i tried to deny it or run away because it scared me. now its like my hearts just been ripped out of my chest and i don’t even know why. maybe if i knew what i did or what provoked this i could fix it. or maybe it was some kind of misunderstanding or maybe I’m just batshit crazy and he never loved me anyway.

I’ve never loved anyone like this. but maybe i don’t deserve to be loved back. Ive always been hyper critical of myself. maybe i really am a bad person. maybe i really do deserve to feel like this. maybe i never deserved his attention in the first place.

but god i’d do anything to fix this

and its so hard not knowing what it is that needs to be fixed

for weeks now I’ve been racking my brain trying to figure out what i did and i can’t figure it out

every night i go to bed crying

and every morning i wake up not wanting to get out of bed

and every morning i have to force myself to get up and go to work and go to school and try not to break down on the floor at work or run out of the class mid-lecture because something makes me think of him and i can’t hold back the tears

no matter how much i smoke or how much i drink nothing helps

i feel hopeless and helpless and worthless and i just want things to be ok

i want us to be ok

i want him to be ok

i want myself to be ok

im gonna stop typing now because i can barely see the keyboard I’m crying so hard.

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