just me.

for the first time in a very long time, i had a really good body image day.
not because I’ve lost weight or because I’m starting to see some of the muscle tone I’ve been working my ass off for, but because i FELT like it. i told myself this morning no matter how fucked up the day was, i was at least going to quit being so damn hypercritical of myself and focus on things that really matter. i gave myself a limit. i could think 3 negative things about my body. thats it.
i made it through the day with only one.
yeah a lot of other aspects of the day were shitty. my back is killing me because i haven’t slept well in days and i toss and turn all night. work was shitty. class was shitty. my social life and love(?) life are a fucking mess. but thats ok. i can make it through. i always find a way to cope, its just taking a little longer this time. and thats fine. nothing worth fixing can be fixed in the blink of an eye. unless you have magic powers. which i don’t. but that would be pretty fuckin sweet.

anyway, I’m not sure what else was different about today, but for the first time in….maybe years…im looking in the mirror starring down my flaws and refusing to let them control me.
yeah theres a lot of shit i’d like to improve about my body.
i’d love for my arms to be thinner and more toned and for my stomach to be flatter and not have my bra create mini bulges if i move a certain way.
but standing here, in really unflattering lighting, with no make up, no fancy clothes, hair all crazy after a super long day, I’m happy with myself. i haven’t felt this confidence in a while, and even though i know ill always find something thats not perfect, its nice to not feel gross in my own skin. even if i wake up tomorrow and feel like crap again, at least i have this moment.
no drugs no booze no outside influences needed. just me.

and, for now at least, that’s enough.

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