furious.

furious actually doesn’t even begin to cover what I’m feeling right now.
i’ve been frustrated and unhappy (to varying degrees) with my school (depaul) for the past couple years, but this really takes the cake.
if you are teaching a class about mental illness there is no excuse for making multiple statements that are not only inaccurate but outright offensive and disrespectful. i understand that the chances of having someone in the class with that particular disorder are pretty low, but i was there, and even if i wasn’t: THIS IS NOT OK.

i don’t get offended very easily, at least not to the point where i would describe it as offended. i get irritated and pissed off, things like that. i very very rarely feel completely and utterly offended, especially just by something someone says. because fuck what people say, i know who i am and i do what i want.

i wanted so badly to respond in class on monday. it was the first day, i could still drop the class if need be, and i had multiple logical, respectful responses forming in my head. i wanted to speak but when i opened my mouth no sound came out. my arms were tingling, my leg was twitching, my fists were clenched so hard my palms were actually bleeding. i was so infuriated i could not even bring myself to express that fury, mostly out of fear of slipping or giving into the violent rage that was boiling in my gut. I did not want to respond in a violent manner. i did not want to give that asshole any ammunition, like “see?! CRAZY.” i wanted to respond in a calm, respectful, and intellectual manner. maybe he did not realize how ridiculous his statements were. regardless, if you are teaching a class about mental illness, shouldn’t it be important to know what the fuck you’re talking about?

 

I’ve tried for 2 days now to get over it or find some reasonable explanation for it, but i can’t. maybe its the fact that it hurt me personally, or it pushed me towards circular unhealthy thinking. i don’t know. it really just seems completely absurd to me.

even worse, in all that rage i had many moments of self-doubt that have been lingering over my head ever since that class.

 

what if he was right?

what if i do make everyone around me miserable?

what if i am never able to have a successful relationship?

what if i really do ruin every relationship and friendship that i have?

the sick part of me keeps searching for examples from my past. failed friendships, betrayals, superficial friendships, huge fights ending friendships, crazy unhealthy and abusive relationships, obsessive self-hatred, fear, and self-doubt making me push people away as soon as they start to get to close.

yeah there are examples. but i’ve always held on to the hope that things like that wont last forever. I’ve held onto that motivation because i don’t WANT to push people away. I’ve made a shit ton of progress (granted, i still have a long way to go in some aspects), so essentially telling me I’m wasting my time and somehow i will always fuck shit up is terrifying and heartbreaking. i hate being like this, but I’ve learned to cope and I’ve learned to focus on solutions and growth, rather than dwelling in the bullshit (yes, it does take a lot of effort sometimes, but its gotten easier over time and I’ve learned a lot about myself in the process).

i feel like my head is spinning. all the shit i thought i was moving past is now forming a dark cloud lingering overhead, the monster under my bed, the beast chasing me in my nightmares. i don’t think this teacher could have realized how much damage his statements could have done, but i feel that in order to be qualified to teach such a class, he should have a much better understanding of the possible ramifications of reinforcing and perpetuating the stereotypes and stigma associated with mental illness, especially disorders that we still don’t know as much about (like bpd) and that are not understood by the general population even on the most simplistic, basic level.

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