lost my voice today… coughing more than i ever did as a smoker

my wrists are throbbing

didn’t realize a rubber band could make you bleed

two days worth of welts and of course when I’m folding my WHITE SHIRTS is when the welts start to bleed

because i have shitty timing

i always have

maybe one day i wont

who knows

not me

one thing i do know

is that it has been 6 days and 35 minutes since my last cigarette

….maybe its all in my head, but snapping this rubber band on my wrist actually helps

i doubt that its really pain association, because it’s only been a few days

but i feel like its helping me fight my brain’s association of cigarettes and pleasure

slowly but surely, ill reform my neural pathways

 

 

even though right now I’m coughing my lungs up, dizzy, drowsy, bitchy, and moody.as.shit, i am still alive

somewhere under all the discomfort, hormone fluctuations, and emotional surges, i know that life isn’t that bad after all

 

times like this I’m glad 16 year old me failed at absolutely everything.

times like this i’m glad i survived.

times like this I know that one day this will all be for the better, and maybe one day i can save someone else who feels what i felt

 

maybe tomorrow ill have the strength to throw away my safety cigarettes. they’re probably stale by now anyway. yuck. 

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