my three favorite/”lucky” numbers.
i use the same binder every quarter for school, regardless of how worn out and ragged its gotten or if it fits everything.
in the front sleeve i keep my safety stash.
now back in the depths of my many addictions, a safety stash was NOT a good thing. whether it meant drugs, booze, squares, cash, or “thinspiration,” it was never anything good for me.
this time is different.
i made myself a safety stash that i could easily carry with me and could help me stay motivated and not break under stress.
of the 7 items in my safety stash, 3 are pictures.
- Chocolate (my first dog, who passed away in 2011)
- my heart
- and 2pac
the next item in my safety stash is a paper i wrote on addiction (and the email i got from my professor about it… subject: “WOW!”)
it’s definitely not the best paper i’ve ever written, but due to the fact that i wrote it in the midst of a nervous breakdown (triggered by one of my worst relapses), I’ve become really proud of it. i never thought id be able to articulate certain aspects of addiction so clearly, especially in such a volatile state.
the fifth item in my stash is one of the jokers from a deck of cards that used to belong to my grandfather (Roddy)
the final two items are letters
I’ve been reading the letters a lot recently, because I’ve been overwhelmed by stress and tempted to give up on certain things (like the ridiculous degree requirements at depaul that seem to change all the time and are never clearly laid out…but anyway…back to the point…)
the letters remind me of who i am and help me stay strong even when I’m moments away from giving into defeat.
sometimes i wonder if you knew when you wrote them how much they would mean to me…
I’m starting to sound a little nuts
which is ironic, because my new and improved “safety stash” has helped me not lose the last bit of sanity I’ve got
i guess its more of a sanity binder than a safety stash.