how much has really changed [[don’t read this if reading about my eating disorder(s) is going to bother you]]

life was easier when i was bulimic

and even easier than that when i was anorexic

when you teach yourself to not feel hunger, it does not just come back when you decide to stop putting your body through hell

i would give my left breast (which for some reason i think looks juuuust a tiny bit better than my right) to get my metabolism back to where it was before i started starving myself

i used to want to look like this:

Image

so the little food that i did eat i would throw up

within 30 minutes of course because any longer than that and you absorb the calories

i wouldn’t even touch pizza because i believed that i could absorb the calories through my skin

i would wake up hours before school to “quietly” work out in the basement

then i would get home and work out more

and then get off the treadmill right before my parents got home and then get back on so they would not know that i’d actually been working out for hours already

I’m much less “sick” now (or at least that’s what i’ve led myself to believe)

so why is this image still saved on my computer?

its not like i had this computer back then?

why do i still fall back into my obsession?

someone jokingly asked me if i was bulimic during a conversation about food poisoning

[[disclaimer: I’m writing this from the bathroom floor and have been puking my guts up for the past day]]

truth is i kinda think i still am…in a way

i try to eat “healthy” but i still don’t really have a grasp on what “healthy” is

nutritionists have tried to get me to do the whole “mindful eating” thing. which would work if i actually FELT hunger like a normal person.

but i don’t. i only feel it when my body is like HEY YOU NEED TO EAT SOMETHING OR IM GONNA JUST STOP WORKING AND YOULL PASS OUT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET AND DIE. when i was starving myself that was awesome because i’d just drink some water and have an apple or some celery and that feeling would go away for another day or so. easy.

now that I’m not starving myself anymore, this becomes incredibly inconvenient

on the one hand, i have people saying “oh eat 5-6 small meals a day blah blah blah”

Image

then the average person (so I’m told) eats 3 meals a day

I WORK AT 5AM EVERY MORNING

I LEAVE MY APARTMENT AT 430AM

I LEAVE WORK AT 1030 AND GO STRAIGHT TO CLASS UNTIL 420

3 DAYS A WEEK I LEAVE SCHOOL AND GO STRAIGHT TO THE CHIROPRACTOR UNTIL 6

HOW CAN I EAT 3 HEALTHY MEALS ON THAT SCHEDULE

i honestly can’t figure it out. I’ve tried packing meals the night before, random breakfast bars and shakes, making dinner the night before so i can eat dinner when i get home and bringing a shake for lunch in my blender bottle thingy (which, side note, is one of the greatest inventions int he history of humankind)

but none of that has really worked

i did weight watchers for a while, which helped me make sure i was getting nutrients and stuff but tracking everything started to take too much time

so i would just choose to not eat until i had time to track

which was a stupid excuse to just go back to what was always easier for me.

the crazy thing is i still make time to workout for AT LEAST 1.5 hours a day

and not just like bitch ass workouts that girls do just to say that they work out

like dripping sweat can’t walk up the stairs without my muscles screaming workouts

collapse on the floor and yell in victory workouts

saying “one more” like 5 bajjillion times workouts

wearing 3 sports bras so my tits won’t bounce all over the place and sag to my knees when I’m old workouts (you try working out with 32G/30H’s. that shit HURTS LIKE A BITCH)

but thats not the point. i still don’t see the results i want.

and it pisses me off.

i don’t know how to be healthy. and it sucks.

if someone gave me a step-by-step plan to make eating healthy do-able with my schedule, i’d do it.

i try any idea i can think of, but none of it seems to work

and it scares me how often i say to myself. JUST STOP EATING AGAIN, IT WILL BE SO MUCH EASIER

but I’m not looking for easy

im willing to work hard

im willing to step up my workouts AGAIN

im willing to sacrifice a social life to get to where i want to be

im willing to do whatever

if greatness were easy it wouldn’t be great

if perfection were easy it wouldn’t be perfection

and what scares me most about this entire post is the fact that i just used the word perfection. last time i did that i had just finished a 7 day fast and was on my way to the hospital.

i don’t want to be skin and bones anymore.

i just want to be healthy.

i want to be as strong as i know i can be.

FUUUUUCK

[[ok time to leave the bathroom floor to workout..hopefully i won’t puke all over the living room floor]]

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