i forgot…

how hard recovery really is
how easy it is to say fuck sobriety
how my idea of “moderation” turned into hidden addiction
what it felt like to relapse
how difficult it is to stay motivated in the aftermath of an extended relapse
how much work i put into getting sober the first time
how much time i wasted when i threw that all away
how much i hated myself when i was sober
how much i needed my addictions to numb the pain
where all that pain came from in the first place
why i hated myself in the first place
why i gave up on recovery
why i gave up on myself
why i stopped fighting
when i stopped fighting
how i stopped fighting
….i forgot.

starting over sucks. i hate it and its not easy and i wish it were. im moody and emotional and i doubt myself every single day.
but somehow my stubbornness is working in my favor for once.
i wont give up.
even when i fuck up. ill keep starting over until i can get this shit right.

recovery sucks.
but if it were easy, it wouldn’t be recovery.

11 days.

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