current mood: ajkgriuao;jeknuylgixesr567tkohjgcfxdsewy546ri7tioubhu edfsuyh… FUUUCK

got an A on my philosophy midterm that i thought i was going to fail. ive worked my ass off for months trying to get back on track and its finally starting to pay off. for the first time in a very long time i’m proud of the work im doing in school.

2 days later i found out i might have to take another leave of absence from school.

its really hard to not dwell on the negative shit right now. im really tired of the bullshit and im tired of the unnecessary stress.

a couple weeks ago i decided i wanted to start cutting back on my vices and actually try to be sober(ish) after i get back from unofficial (u of i’s “unofficial” st pattys day which has become an extravagant drinking holiday lol)…. but honestly im so disappointed and frustrated right now that sobriety seems COMPLETELY POINTLESS.

over the past month or so i’ve distanced myself from a lot of people. partially because i was trying to focus on school, partially because i was dealing with a lot of shit personally, and partially because it was easier to accept that i needed to end some “friendships” (which had become nothing but drama, chaos, and stress for everyone involved) with people i thought would always be part of my life. it all worked out pretty well except for me distancing myself from almost everyone i know. that shit backfired and fucked me over cuz now im trying to deal with this shit on my own instead of talking to people or going out and having fun to get my mind off the stress. instead im sitting here drowning in my over-analysis of EVERYTHING and getting lost in my head.

my attempt to stop over-analyzing shit has not worked out so far

in rehab they taught us to “reframe” our thoughts.

so in this case, i could focus on the fact that i’m AWARE of what i’m doing. i used to get stuck in my negativity and get lost in my head and deny that i was doing it. the fact that i know i’m falling back into my patterns and i’m trying to do something about it is progress in itself. so i could “reframe” my thoughts by taking pride in that and using that as a way to transition to more positive/solution-based thinking.

unfortunately, “reframing” works a lot better in rehab than it does in the real world. and i still feel like shit.

i tried dancing to cheer myself up, but i didn’t stretch before diving into the dance i’ve been choreographing the past couple weeks (which is a REALLY bad idea since its primarily ballet, modern, and jazz) and once it started to cheer me up and i got more into it, i fucked up my hamstring and am now sprawled out on the floor with a bottle of painkillers and a big ass bag of ice. FAIL.

at least i can laugh about it though. i guess im feeling a little better than i was when i started writing this.

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One thought on “current mood: ajkgriuao;jeknuylgixesr567tkohjgcfxdsewy546ri7tioubhu edfsuyh… FUUUCK

  1. We had an unofficial st. Patty’s day too at Penn State. We called it State Patty’s Day.

    hope you start cheering up! And Congrats on the A.

    Like

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