i finally had ONE FULL NIGHT of decent sleep thanks to an amazing friend who distracted me and helped me relax enough to fall asleep.
the first few hours were the same as every other night recently, but it was helpful to have someone there to calm me down when i woke up terrified and out of breath, with my heart racing like i was binging on coke and speed. when i finally fell back to sleep i was able get almost 8 hours of sleep with no crazy dreams (at least none that i remembered when i woke up).
since then, the dreams have started getting a little better.
maybe all i needed was to stop trying to handle everything on my own and reach out for help from people who care about me. asking for help has never been an easy thing for me, especially because im incredibly stubborn and i feel like i should do everything for myself. i’ve lived most of my life believing that asking for help was a form of weakness. if it was a friend asking ME for help, i never saw it that way. it was only “true” if it were ME asking for help. of course i knew this wasn’t rational at all, but it was just something that i believed for so long that its still had to let go of at times.
i’m lucky to have friends that tolerate my stubbornness and help me through shit like this, sometimes without even realizing what they’re doing at all.
i’m hoping that now that the dreams are getting a little better, i’ll be able to figure out what caused me to start having them in the first place.